Challenge 267: The Aftermath

My birthday is officially over and I can definitely say I had a really great one. I didn't do anything very fancy, but it was just how I wanted it to be. The movie was great, the puppy was adorable (OF COURSE!), I got lots of love from friends and family, and dinner was just so wonderful. I feel lucky.

I also had the feeling yesterday that it's going to be a good year. :-)

Right now I'm still in bed. Awake but not quite ready to get up yet, secretly hoping that the puppy will come in here and jump on the bed and cuddle before I have to get my day started.

Challenge 266: Birthday Day

Well...it's here! My birthday. And leading up to today, I wasn't sure how I was feeling about it. I mean, I actually wasn't feeling much about it at all. I didn't really care. It wasn't like I didn't want it to come or got weird about getting older, but it was just a no-big-deal kinda thing. I asked for the day off work, but almost went back to tell my boss I could work since I didn't really have any plans. But, I decided to keep the day off and here I am, still in my pajamas (hee hee). I slept in, cuddled with the puppy, and lazily made tea and ate breakfast.

I'm gonna see a movie later, then dinner with a couple friends. I'm getting a lot of messages and texts from people and it feels really good.

It's sunny out today and I love that. Off to shower and get ready for the day.

Challenge 265: Sally, past

I've been waking up feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Heavy is kind of a good way to describe it. It's been a good opportunity for me to practice being present. To not try to avoid those feelings (because we all know that what we resist persists) but rather allow them to be there and try to feel them fully, but at the same time, try not to attach too much to them. At times, those two feel like very different, opposing things...fully get in and feel and look at them as thoughts passing through me. I haven't quite been able to reconcile the two, but I'm working on it and getting better.

Like I mentioned last night, I'm cleaning out my drawers and closets. Right now I'm staring at three giant trash bags and one giant piece of luggage all filled with clothes and shoes and things I haven't worn in forever. It's crazy how I can be getting rid of that much stuff, but yet, my closets and drawers still look exactly the same. Still messy. Still full. Maybe I should do an extra sweep.

Getting rid of stuff is weird. I found myself hanging on to things that I really loved many years ago, just for the sake of having loved them. Almost a marker that I existed as that person who wore that thing, even though I haven't even looked at the thing in years. Should I keep it just because it reminds me of a Sally past? Where to draw the line of junk around the house, to stuff that I'll want to keep forever. And then it begs the question, if I get rid of the stuff, do I get rid of the memory? Why hang on to it?
All just questions. I think I've done a good job of keeping the important stuff and getting rid of the non-important stuff.

I'm trying to get back into my gym routine that I've fallen off the wagon of. Woke up early today and should be heading out soon.

Challenge 264: Bucket, the cat

Oops! So I haven't been doing a very good job of being "back" now have I??

I just got off the phone with Sara, my friend who is my "Staying on the Hook" cheerleader. She was saying that I should keep writing because I only have a couple more months to go, and she enjoys reading the day to day stuff since we don't live in the same town anymore and don't get to see each other often.

So here I am. Back. I'm sitting at my (very messy...surprised?) desk. I'm going through my closets and drawers getting rid of a ton of stuff I don't wear anymore. Simplifying is the name of the game. I have too much STUFF. And stuff I don't need and don't use.

Bucket the cat is sitting on my desk staring out the window at our yard below. I imagine he is looking at the boys in the backyard, wishing and hoping that he could be down there with them smoking cigarettes and drinking bourbon. Sometimes that cat doesn't come back for days and when he does, we SWEAR he smells like weed.

I spent most of the weekend in Santa Cruz with some good friends who live on the beach. Me and Coach ventured down there and had a blast. We ate lots of cheese, saw a roller derby game, hung out with great friends and just enjoyed each other.

Work is getting exciting. I'm so in love with my clients and I have a feeling there will be some newbies coming into my life very soon.

Mostly, I'm grateful for all my friends and family.

Oh...and I have a birthday coming up. :-)

Challenge 263: Time to DO

Ok. Ok. With a very sweet email, a gentle nudge, and a drill sergeant-like talking to, I'm going to keep going. I only have a couple more months.

I can't write in length right now because I'm in bed, slowly drifting, but I just wanted to say that I'm back.

AND, I will say that I got some great advice from my mom today.

She said something like, "yeah, you should do it. But if you're going to do it, REALLY do it. You've been talking about it forever. Just do it."

Wow. What a life coach! It actually kicked my butt into gear. So...I guess I'm going to do it. :-)
Working on my new site...time to DO.

Challenge 262: Ebb and Flow

As the day goes on, my productivity fades and fades. I need to continuously remind myself that I'm a morning person! That I should wake myself up and get things done ahead of time, before the day goes on and I'm useless. It's only 6pm and I feel like I'm spent for the day, even though I still have five things on my business to-do list. UGH!! I am just procrastinating and wasting time.

I have to admit, that I'm really getting bored here. It is turning into another thing I HAVE to do in the day. I'm not feeling particularly open or interesting and so it's just details of the day. I've considered just stopping writing. I mean two hundred and sixty two straight (mostly) blog posts is pretty darn good, right? But yet, I can't bring myself to do it yet. The whole point was to follow through.

So here's another post. Maybe tomorrow the ebb will be a flow and it'll turn interesting again.

Challenge 261: Weeds and Sleep

I'm feeling, lately, like there is lots to learn.
And I want to keep learning.
But mostly, I want to watch Weeds and go to sleep. :-)

Challenge 260: Lucky in Life

I had the absolute best evening ever. Amazing food. Amazing conversation. Amazing certification celebration. Amazing wine. Lots of laughter. I feel really lucky in my life.

To the Lindstroms...thank you so much!

Challenge 259: Fleas

The animals have fleas!!!! ARGH!!!!

Challenge 258: It's the little things

Today went by in kind of a blur. I'm sitting in the same chair I started in this morning, with the same tiredness of waking up. I apologize that again, I waited til I was too tired to write.

Hey...remember pig latin? Ok I know that was really random but there is this restaurant we're thinking of checking out that's called "Acote" (pronounced A-co-tay). It occurred to me that that was pig latin for "taco." And I giggled about that for at least five minutes. It's the little things.

Challenge 257: Goodnight Moon

Eek! Waited til the last minute again and I'm about one minute away from slumber.
I'm afraid I haven't much to say right now as my mind fades to dreamland.
Goodnight moon.

Challenge 256: Why not, right?

Well, it appears that I celebrated with a panini, a bleu-cheese salad, a glass of wine and a book at this restaurant local restaurant down the street I've been wanting to try since I moved here. I got done with watching Phoenix early and started to walk home. About half way there, I decided it was the perfect time to try this new restaurant. I sat at a table on the front patio, watching people and cars go by. Witnessed conversations, first dates, drunk college kids. And I thoroughly enjoyed it all. I imagined myself in Spain, doing virtually the same thing. Eating delicious food at a cafe, people watching, eavesdropping, reading. I'm thinking it might be time for some adventure.

Why not, right?

Challenge 255: Certified Coach Sally

Well...it's official as of today. I am now a bonafide, CERTIFIED COACH!!!!! I got my letter in the mail today, only a couple days after my exam. I was expecting to have to wait two weeks, but it came today and damn does it feel good. 196 hours of classroom training, plus over 200 hours of coaching (not to mention all my other training and courses). Gosh...it really does feel great.

One thing that I feel really proud of is that I went through the entire process. A lot of people just take the courses and then start being a "life coach." I respect the profession so much, think it's SO amazing what it can do for people, and I wanted to make sure that whatever I put out there is representing the profession well. For me, that meant getting certified. Taking it one step further. And so here I am, a certified coach. Sally Hope, CPCC.

In other news, the free Bluegrass festival was in Golden Gate park today. Surprisingly, I didn't actually hear any bluegrass! But it was fun and festive nonetheless. I'm sore as all get out from an amazing session with my amazing trainer yesterday. And the puppy is snoring.

How should I celebrate my certification?

Challenge 254: Easy leash

It's a gloomy day today. The sun hasn't once peeked it's head out to say hello. I didn't sleep well, and woke up early, seemingly rested. However I realized about two hours after said awakening, that I was in fact, still tired. I realized this at the Dr's office. I went with Lily and Dre to find out the sex of their new little bundle of joy. A BOY!!!! We all knew it already. It's weird. As soon as she told me she was pregnant I just had this core feeling that it was a boy. She did too. So it was no surprise, but still amazingly wonderful to know.

I've never seen a live baby in a womb right up close. I've seen people's pictures, but never the real thing. It's absolutely amazing. I imagined what it must have felt like for Lily, to be there with her loving husband holding her hand, looking at their new baby together. I got teary. It was just so sweet.

Today is a mellow day. Not too much planned, so I'm finding myself planning stuff (invoicing, writing, organizing, gyming, etc).

Oh! I got Coach a new collar yesterday that magically and instantly makes him the best dog ever on our walks. I can't believe I waited this long. It's making my life 10 times easier already.

Ok...off to fill my day.
(Seriously...I can't believe I STILL have over 100 days left to write. I know...it's getting boring )

Challenge 253: Letters after my name

Well...24 hours later and I finished my coaching oral exam. I didn't get nervous until the very moments before my first coaching session (there were two total).

On the first call, I felt I did OK. The topic wasn't very clear and I kept getting lost in the client's story. All I could do was tell her that, and ask her if she was feeling lost too. I didn't think I failed miserably, but it wasn't my most shining hour. With the second client, I felt much more connected, like I could literally FEEL her and jump into her body of emotions. This is the coolest thing when it happens. And it doesn't always happen. I think it's maybe when a client is really open or the coach is really focusing on being "over there" with the client. I don't really know why it happens that way with some clients and not with others.

So I got off the call thinking I did a pretty good job. I haven't celebrated yet. Perhaps that will come when I get my official letter.

Today is the last day of September which means birthday month is right around the corner and I don't know how I feel about it. I suppose I should celebrate but I'm not sure what I'd want to do.

I'm back where I've been the last couple years, searching MA and PhD programs online. Sometimes I feel that I am just utterly insatiable! Always wanting more or something else. But when I look back throughout the years, I've always wanted a higher degree. I just need to be able to justify spending the money and there are so many things I'm interested in...sorta. It's weird. Sometimes it feels like I want a degree just to have one, and that somehow it all fits into the bigger picture, and not like "I want to be a teacher so I need to get a degree for that." Because the end result is kind of nebulous, I go back and forth on what kind of thing to look for. I think the bottom line for me is that I'm just wildly curious and I just love learning more about the things I love. So here I am, back at square one. Absolutely ADORING coaching, but wondering if I still should shoot for more letters after my name.

Challenge 252: CPCC

I'm getting ready to take my exam. It starts in 40 minutes and I'm excited! It's the last piece of the certification pie. When I pass, I'll then be Sally Hope, CPCC, the Coachess with the Mostest.

I was going over some of my notes last night and remembering how far I've come. And not just with my skills, but as a person. It was only a year ago that I began, but it might as well be 20. Everything is different.

Today is a full day. Exam for two hours, then new client, then marketing class, then more clients. Right now I'm enjoying the quiet of the morning, drinking some tea, not yet feeling the heat of the day.

Signing off forever as just plain old Sally Hope.

Challenge 251: Leaping

I'm sitting here listening to a prep call for my coaching certification exam, going over all of the skills we'll need to use while coaching the examiners.

I'm realizing I need to go bigger. With everything. With my own life, with my coaching with my clients. Everything. I've been taking baby steps and I think I just need to leap. Even saying the words sends a wave of energy through my body. Excitement. Then possibilities.

Challenge 250: Birthday wishes

This post is dedicated to Vaughn's mom...Dorothy. It's her birthday today and she deserves the whole dang post, just for her.

So if you're reading. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISS DOROTHY!!!!!!!!

Challenge 249: Here I go

I know I know.

It's hot here. Already in the mid seventies and it hasn't even broke 10am. It's gonna be a warm one, which is fine since me and Lily are going swimming (weeeeeee).

Today was my day to relax and sleep in, but still, I got up before 8:30. That's when my body wanted to be up, and that feels great. I've already had tea in the backyard, hung with the pup, and done some business. Next up, a hike.

Update on my boss...I am now ONLY doing what I want to be doing, and there has been a shift in our relationship as well (me standing firm in my wants and all). :-)
Two more months and then we'll see.

Today is all about work. The creative part. I want to catch up on my marketing class stuff and work on my website. My goal is to have something up that I like by Monday. Here I go.

Challenge 248: BUSY BEE

Well...things are plugging along here at the house. My day was completely booked start to finish, all with amazing things. My wonderful clients, exercise, my own coach, working on my new wordpress website (SO much to learn!!), donated some guitars through this awesome charity called Rock Start to this other awesome organization, Girls Rock Camp, had an amazing business meeting with my girl that I'm putting on a workshop with, more clients, sushi dinner, more wordpress. Now I'm here.

Whew. That's a lot. It all feels really good.

I have my coaching oral exam next week which is very exciting. Once I pass, I'll be a certified Coach! WOOO HOOOOOO.

I heard from my boss today. He agreed with EVERYTHING I said to him and damn...that felt really good. So glad I stood up for myself!

ANyway, off to bed now. Finally. Another long day tomorrow.

Challenge 247: THAT girl, ALL the time

Well...today has been incredibly busy again and also really great. I feel I'm starting to get my juju back and grew a pair today.

I talked to my boss. I thought about all the things I really like about the job and all the things I hate. And I told him everything. Everything about how he's stretched the boundaries of my job responsibilities to the point that I'm uncomfortable and unhappy and no longer willing to do it, how I feel that what he expects out of me is worth MUCH more than what he pays me, and that I'm stretched thin and done doing the shit I hate (exact words). And I told him what I would still be willing to do. And I'm not going to budge. I also wrote him out an email listing out everything I do for him. Seeing it listed like that...it's CRAZY how much crap I've allowed. No more. Uh uh. That's it.

The conversation went much better than I thought. I thought he'd get defensive or try to argue, but my case is so strong that there was nowhere for him to go besides agreeing with me. And he did. And I feel a million times better. Not just for the change in the situation, but for sticking up for myself in such a firm way. In a "not taking your SHIT anymore" way, with not trying to sugar coat or worry about my words. I wasn't wimpy. And that's what I want to take away from this. That I need to be THAT girl, ALL the time. I'm done with wimpy.

I have two more months with the family to fulfill my original contract and obligation to them (which I value in honoring). And now, those two months will be filled doing things I like. Next up...total freedom!

Challenge 246: What will it be?

UGH! Today has just been one of those days where I felt on the verge of tears the whole time. It started off with breakfast in bed (which was AMAZING) and then seemed to go downhill from there. Fast.

I FINALLY made an appointment with a local hair stylist since I can't keep traveling to Santa Barbara. I procrastinated over a year because I was afraid to let anyone but Ann touch my hair. Well...I had to do something so I went to this girl, and I HATE my haircut that I paid too much for. UGH! So annnnnnoying! It looks worse than when I went in there. And my boss has crossed the line today. I'm so tired off it all. He expects so damn much from me, and for what I do, I should be getting paid three times what I make. I'm so frustrated with myself for still being in a situation I hate. Where are my balls? Where did that girl go that never did anything she didn't like, and made it all work? She's gotta be in there somewhere. I just want to say FUCK IT! I'll figure it out.

I read this amazing article (http://binduwiles.com/buddhism/the-law-of-the-ugly-chair-guest-post-by-danielle-laporte/)about getting rid of the things in life that you don't like or aren't serving you. And how the universe always provides the right thing once you do the clearing. She calls it the law of the "ugly chair." Well my ugly chair is this job. And I keep going back saying, "well, it's not THAT bad, or THAT hard and I still need the money" but I fear that it's that attitude that is preventing me from finding the ways to fill in that money doing things I love or matter to me. I'm just waiting around for a new chair to appear before I get rid of that ugly ass eyesore in the corner. According to the theory, the getting-rid-of has to happen first. Not the other way around. I've set up a meeting with my boss for this week. What will it be?

Challenge 245: Bump on a Log

There's a sleeping boy in the house. Like a bump on a log, sprawled out, out cold. Vaughn got back today and he warned that he'd be a tired mess of a person when he got back. "It's cool," I said, "I planned on that." So all is quiet on the homefront. Fridge is stocked awaiting the wake-up. The puppy is excited, pacing back and forth trying to get the bump on the log's attention, and Bucket finally returned home after a couple days out. Everyone's happy that dad is home.

Today was another busy day, with plans from my boss changing last minute, of course. I'm so so much feeling like I don't belong there anymore, perhaps never did. I feel small there, doing shit I never like doing at my own house, not getting the credit I deserve. I was thinking about it today...if I ever have a nanny, I want to make sure he/she knows how appreciated they are. I want to buy her flowers every once in awhile, or give her an extra bonus, or give her a card. This work is hard work, and pretty thankless. Always getting stretched to the max, limits pushed further and further. If I ever have a nanny, please remind me of this.

I was also thinking of teachers today. How, unbelievably incredible and selfless that job is. To be responsible for the learning and growth of tons of students is so admirable. I helped Miles with his homework today and had no clue how to help him learn the instructions. Teachers are amazing.

I have a couple things brewing under the surface. Exciting projects that I'm working on. Hopefully the movement of them will allow the end of the nannying. Forever.

Challenge 244: Must Get Rest

Well the week and weekend has finally caught up to me. It was go go go, and now I'm crashing. It's only 8:30 pm and I feel like I could fall asleep. Yesterday and today were both really long days. Yesterday was the wedding. An absolutely gorgeous beach wedding. The weather was perfect, all my friends were there, and the bride and groom are just so happy and passionately in love. It was truly heart warming.

I didn't sleep well, sharing a hotel room with all the homies. We got up this morning, fiddled around for a bit, then drove home. I drove both there and back and I'm just wiped.

I have another crazy busy week coming up. I'm trying to brace myself for it. Good night friends. I must get rest.

Update...well, apparently I'm experiencing the curse of the overtired girl who can't sleep. UGH!!!!! Three hours later, a magazine read, a blanket chance and a room change, and I STILL can't sleep.

Challenge 243: Onward to Wedding

Well...it appears that "X" was important after all. He took the bait and we're switching a late Tuesday for an early Friday. But I realized that after I made the deal, I was still annoyed. I should have just said a hard "no." I'm still learning with him. Learning how not to keep stretching further and further to his needs, and farther and farther from my own.

I'm on a mini vacation this weekend. A college buddy of mine is getting married and a bunch of our friends are gathered to celebrate. Last night was really fun. We hung out at our friend's house (who just recently also got married) and had bad movie night. One of my most favorite things.

I'm tired this morning, but I think it's because I forgot to pack my super duper favorite morning tea. Onward to wedding.

Challenge 241: How important "X" is

My girl Sara informed me that my posts have been kind of boring lately. I think "lackluster" was the actual word she used. And I have to say...I TOTALLY agree with her. They are.

To be honest, I'm just sort of bored of writing them right now. I'm a little bit back to feeling like I can't be completely honest here, but I want to keep up my agreement to continue to write.

She was saying that she really enjoys my posts about my boss, because she can relate. So, speaking of that...I got this text from him earlier.

"Hi...On Tuesday I need you to stay until 8:30 so I can attend (my kid's) parent teacher night. Can you do that please?"

Ok...so this might not sound like a big deal to you. And maybe it isn't.
But what kind of question is that??!?!?!

It's like, "I NEED x. Like, it HAS to happen. So...you'll do it, ok?"

But he phrases it as though he's actually asking me, and as though I have a choice, which I obviously don't.

UGH!!!!!!! AND, this is after I ALREADY told him that on Tuesday nights I have a recurring client at 6:45, so I need to make sure that I'll always be leaving the house on time (6:30) those nights.

It's just a long string of this type of stuff. Of feeling kind of manipulated in the communication.

So I struck a deal. I'd do Tuesday if I could get off early on Friday.
We'll see how important X is after all.

Challenge 241: Here we go again

Gosh. Another darn full day. In fact, I have completely full days booked out until the end of next week. It feels good. The energy is buzzy. I have clients and classes and workshops and friends and activities and appointments. All great stuff. I actually had to schedule in laundry today on my calendar!!!

Another great thing of today was my girlfriend date with Lily. No kids. No boyfriends. Just us girls having a good time, eating some delicious food. And man was it great. Which made me think...I feel like girlfriends need date night just like couples need date night. Just carving out some special time for each other where you can really focus on one another. Twas divine.

A Skype business call and cleaning the kitchen and (said) laundry rounded out my night. I feel like ideas are flowing and I feel so lucky I have some GREAT friends to bounce ideas off of.

Tomorrow...wash, rinse, repeat. Here we go again!

Challenge 240: Tired in between

Busy. Tired. Full Day. Tired. Hungry. Tired.
But feels good to be so busy.

I'm a blob of a person right now. Must. Go. To. Bed.

Challenge 239: Sushi dinner

I can't believe we're already half way through September. Where did the summer go? Where did time go?

I'm afraid I haven't anything very interesting to say.

I had a lovely sushi dinner tonight with a great girlfriend, which reminded me that all you gotta do is tell people when you need them around and they show up. So many times I think we assume that others know what we want or need, and 100% of the time, we're wrong. People need to be told. And then that gives them the opportunity to be there. We had a great time, like we always do.

The puppy, on the other hand, is misbehaving. Yikes!

Challenge 238: Tomorrow, back to work

Today was a lazy day. It started out that way. I only had one real plan for noon time so it was a leisurely morning. Breakfast and tea in the backyard with the pup. Lily came over to help clean up from taco time the night before.

Speaking of taco time, the Rock n Roll Taco Bowls were a big hit, and we came home with some cash. SCORE!

Right now it's me and the puppy on the couch watching "Coal Miner's Daughter," gearing up for the VMAs. Tomorrow, back to work.

Challenge 237: Rock n Roll Taco Bowl

Apparently I'm slipping more and more out of my dedication to this blog. It honestly just slips my mind lately. I've been so busy, getting excited about all these things going that I just don't think to write.

Right now, it's hot here. In the 80's. As I sit in my office looking out the window at our lush backyard and the collection of cacti on the roof of the garage, I'm reminded how lucky I am to be here. To live in such a beautiful place with such great people surrounding me. The house is sleepy. Phoenix is napping in the other room and Coach is at my feet. It's quiet, besides the faint sound of cars on the freeway and an occaional Bart passing through.

Tonight me and Lily debut our "Rock n Roll Taco Bowls" at an art show. I'm excited to have a reason to get dressed up. FUN FUN FUN!

Challenge 236: Slightly Slothy

Today was full of good work. All work I love. Clients an learning how to push my business forward. However, I have spent almost all day day sitting in a chair. Feel slightly slothy.

I am SO into this marketing stuff. It's so fascinating and SUCH useful information. Not just about marketing, but about really really getting to the heart of what you're trying to do, why it matters, what makes you uniquely qualified. And of course, how you can use all that to offer products that people want to pay you for. SO interesting. And I'm so glad I took the course. I was THIS close to not doing it because of money reasons, but I knew in my gut it was the right choice. It's just money.
So here I am...happy!

And also tired. This has been a back to back full day. I'm looking forward to sleep. One puppy pee to go and I'm there.

Challenge 235: Oh sheesh

Oh sheesh. I did it again. Big time. Forgot, and then took ALL day to write this one. I've been super busy lately, but doing most things I love (mostly).

I signed up for this really awesome marketing class type thing and I'm eating it up. I love it. The delivery is perfect for me and the info, already, is worth the money I paid. Homework to do, but it's all so fun!

I'm wiped though. And unfortunately I am going to go now. Hopefully I'll have more juice tomorrow.

Challenge 234: Sweet sight to see

Well I guess I'm really slipping. Didn't write again yesterday I did remember, as I was falling asleep and I almost got up to write but figured it was already the following day. Way past midnight.

Today I did some work on a business idea I have. And I'm learning that the more I get deeper into the idea, the less I know what it actually is. It's frustrating. I have a feeling and a vision, but the actually day-to-day, nuts and bolts are still vague to me. It's silly...as a life coach I feel like I should be able to have it figured out, but I suppose I'm human too. I feel, now more than ever, I don't know what I want. The what. I know what I want to feel like. I know who I want "be" but what I'm doing, in clarity, is unclear. I've felt this way for a long time. And I'm bored of it.

I bet there is a magic wand. That one thing that's in my way, that I just can't really see right now.

On a completely different note...I saw a great couple on a tandem bike today, riding down my busy street in Oakland. I felt like it was a great metaphor for relationships. They're clearly working together. The success of the trip depends on both people equally pulling their weight and putting their effort into the ride. And they have to work together and be close. Literally, supporting each other. It's not a bike ride on separate bikes, but rather one ride, one bike, two lovers. Sweet sight to see.

Challenge 233: Girls Night

Oops! Oops!! Yesterday's post didn't happen. But it was because I was having too much fun. It was girl's night. Movie night and wine time and nail painting time.

The evening started early, around 6pm with Lily and Phoenix coming over to keep me company as I cleaned the house. Although Phoenix isn't much of a cleaner, she is an adorable backdrop and noise box, just learning how to say words. Lily and I decided that girl's night would be a perfect opportunity to try out our (soon to be famous) taco bowls on innocent bystanders. Soon, we will take these bowls out into the world, but first, get the opinions of our friends.

Erica came next with a giant overnight bag full of nail-polishes, gossip magazines, and her very own pillow and eyeshade. She also provided the wine and the spritzer. The four of us sat on the couch and caught up. Next...Honorine showed up with a GIANT bouquet of flowers, more flowers, and lots of great gossip.

We laughed, we ate jelly beans, we had taco time, we painted nails, we watched Thelma & Louise and we stayed up too late. Just like a good old fashioned slumber party, except no one called their mom crying or went home early. So far, it's been a lazy morning. Catching up on emails, getting ready to go pick up Phoenix for our playtime.

Feeling better, in general.

Challenge 232: Greetings loved ones

Hi Dewey!
Hi Mom!

Anyone else out there?
Let me know.

:-)

Challenge 231: Dear Sally

Dear Sally,

I saw you today. And I'm so afraid that you'll slip away again. Or that I won't have access to you. I wish I could share more, but I just can't right now.

My eyes are tired from the days. We'll talk soon.

Challenge 230: Not my favorite day

Today has not been my favorite day.

I think that is all I want to say about that.

I have ONE more episode of Dexter to watch and I'm going to go do that right now. I think it's exactly what I need.

Challenge 228: Feeling a bit lost

It's been one of those days where things just haven't quite been connecting very smoothly. It felt that way instantly this morning. Something about the air and the way the sun was shining, not hot but crisp. It's beginning to feel like fall and I think it's my very least favorite season.

I won't bore you with complaining type details but just know that it was the kind of day where I bought the wrong kind of chicken for the boss (white instead of dark), and he made sure I knew it, where I came home to my front door pushing around an "accident" that the dog had left for me, and a potential business venture out the window. Maybe.

I'm feeling a bit lost.

Challenge 227: Tired but great

What a day! Packed and lovely and filled with great people.
My coach friend, Natalie, and I had planned on taking a hike together in the late morning. It was to be a no big deal, hour or so long hike with the puppy. One that I've never been on before but she had. I pick her up and we drive up the beautiful winding road into Oakland Hills. We come upon this big parking lot and it is buzzing with activity. Families with their kids, couples with their dogs, groups of people with their walking sticks, guys with their bikes. This was the place to be on a Sunday morning. So we begin walking. The puppy is having the time of his life going to the bathroom on whatever he feels like it. Smelling all the new smells, going up to all the new people. The redwoods smell very tree like and we're having a great time. Our trail forked off and we took the one with the decline, which was fine, except I knew that a decline only meant one thing...and incline later. No prob. I can handle incline. I've been working out. So we got to the incline and I could tell I was getting out of breath, but it wasn't that bad. We were in the shade and it was gorgeous. Then we walk up to another fork in the road and my girl wasn't sure which way to go. So we decided to go left. The more adventurous looking choice. I said, "what the hell...let's do it!!" This was about 30 minutes into our hike.

So we started to go. And go. And gooooooo. And go. The trail twisted and turned. It got dirty and dusty and hot and out of the forest. We both kept thinking we would loop right back around. But it just kept going. And going. We definitely on a different side of the mountain from where we started, but how far? Who knew? We knew we started on Wild Ridge (or something like that) trail, so we just kept following the signs for that. Until the point came where the only two options to follow were NOT Wild Ridge trail. OH NO!! Where are we?! We tried to intuit the right direction and starting going up a steep path. Then neither of us felt it was right and we ran into some men with a map. We found out where we were...NOWHERE NEAR WHERE WE STARTED!!! We giggled and kept good attitudes about the whole thing. At least now, we were back on track.

The rest of the hike was smooth, albeit about an hour and a half long. We found some water for us and the puppy. We shared one small bag of nuts I brought and eventually we made it back to where we started. Three and a half hours later and a ton of great conversation. We figured that we hiked about 10 miles. Maybe more. So what started out as being a leisurely hike with a girlfriend turned into a mega adventure! Needless to say, I'm sore. Oh! Did I mention that before I started, I could already barely walk from a session with my trainer on Friday? I might not be able to get out of bed tomorrow.

So the rest of the day was great too. Got lunch, hung with Lily, had a meeting, and am now waiting for another meeting. I'm so tired!! But it feels great.

Challenge 226: Can't get enough

So I can't help it. I'm a total, 100% Dexter junkie. I literally had to limit myself today. I looked in the mirror and said to myself, "ok Sally, only ONE episode this morning and MAYBE one later. That's it. Got it?" The morning started off well. I followed the rules. I got my tea to the perfect temperature, filled my bowl with the perfect amount of yogurt, nuts and fruit, and jumped onto the couch and underneath my favorite blanket. This day was looking good already. Only one episode got watched. But then...tonight happened. One was SO good and I couldn't help myself. Like a chocoholic in front of a giant bowl filled with candy bars. Anyway, I stopped before I went over the edge, and now I have one to look forward to tomorrow.

I spent the day with Phoenix. She is the most darling little girl. So sweet and loving and good. She grins literally ear to ear and her belly laughs are contagious. I feel lucky to be able to spend this time with her.

Well I beginning to get tired and I think both the puppy and I need a bathroom break. Til tomorrow...

Challenge 225: Dexter

Ok. Ok. So I've calmed down. It's not a big deal anymore. But I'm glad I got upset because I know I have fire for something to change.

Today wasn't so bad. I had so much work to do and got it all done. And I've ended the evening by watching way too many episodes of Dexter (I think my favorite show after Friday Night Lights. Or maybe, they're equal).

Lately, I've really been wanting to focus my energy, time and thoughts on gratitude. On putting energy out there for things that I'm grateful for. And I'm noticing a subtle shift in me as I do that. It feels good.

I haven't much else right now. Back to Dexter.

Challenge 224: Ugh.

I'm very frustrated again with work, more than I want to say right now. My chest is tight and I'm just feeling fed up. I'm tired of having to fill in the gaps doing this. I'm tired of needing it. When the FUCK am I going to feel like I can do it on my own?!?!?! Probably when I actually believe I can. This is just ridiculous.

When did I get so wimpy?? I'm too in it. I can't see anything objectively right now.
My blood is boiling and I want to yell and cry all at the same time. And the thing is...nothing really that big happened. It's a feeling I've had, underneath, simmering for awhile. It's been dormant for a couple months and now it's on the surface. FUCK THIS.

My values are definitely not being honored in this current situation, and yet, I can't really see a way out of it. I feel like I've tried different things. So what's the stuck common denominator?

Ugh.

Challenge 223: Things to think about

Today, today. It seems like today was two days. Two long days that had many things in it. Internal things though. From the outside, I'm not sure that it would look like I did a lot. Well, actually, that's probably not true.

I keep waiting until I feel like a real writer. I write everyday, which I'm very proud of, but so many times it feels like reporting. The details, the daily grind. Sometimes it feels like I'm just describing what I'm feeling right here, right now. Sometimes I transcend into complete openness and spill a gut or two. But I feel there is no consistency and no real point when I'm writing. Especially since the inherent point here is just to write. Is that good enough, for now? Should I be trying harder? Should I give myself parameters? Or should I just be?

Technically, this whole thing is about following through. Setting out to do something all year long and follow through with that. Which it appears (mostly) I'm doing. Perhaps it'll morph into something more writerly in 142 days from now when this year of writing is up. Something more profound maybe? More interesting? But what am I waiting for...couldn't that all be now? Do I care? Things to think about.

Challenge 222: Get moving

It is hotter than hot here today. It got up to 101 degrees and we have no air conditioning or fans in the house. So...I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to check out our neighborhood community pool. BUT, it was closed today (boo). So, I'm sitting here in a summer dress, drinking lots of iced tea and trying not to think about the heat.

I think I'm still trying to get over this cold. I woke up early today and then had to take a nap shortly after. I missed a call with my coach today, but luckily she called me. I didn't have much to talk about which makes me feel like things are pretty much on track.

That's about all I got for right now. Gonna get moving.

Challenge 221: Talk about a co-pilot

I'm still on a buzz from my trip. Something about all those trees and that Oregon air.
The drive today was a bit more rough than the one going up. Since I haven't been feeling well, I also haven't been sleeping well. But that didn't stop me from still waking up at 5am to get on the road by 6. By about 8:30, I realized that I was just too tired to be driving, so me and the puppy pulled over at a nice, shady rest stop and parked and cuddled for an hour long nap. I have to say, my car is really roomy. That is one lucky dog getting to travel back there.

So after our nap, we got back in the car and stopped to get gas further down the road. I took the puppy for a walk and when we got back to the car, he simply WOULD NOT get in. He pulled against me, tried sitting, backed up, straight turned his back to me. Everything I tried failed. UNTIL...I opened the passenger door. He jumped right in and sat in that seat like he owned the thing. The positions were varied...sprawled out over to my side, curled up in a ball, sitting straight up with his head touching the ceiling, half his body on the floor, half on the seat. He even changed the radio station for me once by accident and it landed right on NPR. What a good, good boy. The rest of our ride was fairly smooth, minus some traffic as we got into the bay. Check mark for Portland.

I have to be honest, home didn't seem as pretty, cool, or fun when compared to the backdrop of Portland. I always thought I lived in a pretty place, and I know I do, but not like THAT. Oh hum.

So I'm already unpacked, well fed, and tired as all get out, but yet I find myself on here doodling around, procrastinating writing an email. I'm back to work full force this week. I wish vacation could go on forever, but alas...

Challenge 220: Finding myself happy

Another night of sleep spent coughing. This cold is so annoying. But at least it has completely kept me from having fun and going out. Coach has had the house and us to himself since last night and he's a happy dog...cuddling and snuggling and nuzzling.

This morning I met my cousin Emilie for breakfast at this really cute cafe down the street. I had the "world famous" farmers scramble, and it lived up to its title. YUM! It was so nice to see her and catch up. All this family hang time has just been so great. I took the puppy to the dog park and now we're just gearing up to go to the street fair.

I don't have any new news to report since my last post. As my trip is winding down, I'm finding myself happy.

Challenge 219: Gone by so fast

Well...the dogs aren't getting along so well. And they needed to be separated. Brookes' dog is staying at Auntie Allyn's house and Coach is here and happy to be an only child again. I got some good parenting lessons from Brookes, whose had dogs her whole life. Today was, again, another lovely day. I went exploring out on the town a bit with the puppy. We found this amazing fenced in dog park that was huge and gorgeous. In the middles of a forresty setting. Coach was just so happy to get to run around and play with dogs. He really needed that after being here at the house since Tuesday. He's been back to his normal, sweet, sleepy and snoring self ever since.

I also stumbled upon this really great cafe on the way home. Their sign said, "Come here for really ridiculously tasty breakfast and lunch." How could I possibly pass that up? And I think the sign was appropriate. Not sure totally since my taste buds are almost non-existent because of my cold. Ugh!

Anyway, just had a nice and relaxing day. Tomorrow is my last day here and it's gone by so fast.

Challenge 218: Lovely Portland

Another lovely day in lovely Portland. If I didn't know better...I'd say I'd want to move here. Maybe I don't know better. I don't know. But what I do know is that I'm having an amazing time here. Really fun. I've already seen two cousins (et family), gone on the Willamette River in a boat (and jumped in...the river, not the boat), eaten at a grilled cheese cart and a crepe cart, sushi restaurant, dog friendly breakfast joint (that serves the dogs free range chicken, rice, and a fried egg), played ping pong in a women's league with an olympic trained instructor, had band practice, and caught up with old friends. Still ahead is a hike (perhaps), a street fair, another cousin outing, seeing some music, and I'm sure lots more cheese and carbs. My newly exercised body has assumed it's prior-to shape, but I don't care. It's fun here.

I'm feeling ok right now, cold-wise. It's changed a lot throughout the day. A cough is here but I'm not as stuffed up. Sneezing is also here.

Right now the house is quiet. Brookes left to run an errand and her roommate is out. It's just me and the puppy in the Christmas light lit living room. I can honestly say I'm thoroughly enjoying this trip and I hope to come back often.

Challenge 217: Amazing Day

Absolutely amazing day. I am so exhausted. This cold thing has gotten much worse and I feel my head might explode. So, friends, I am turning in for the night.

Challenge 216: World Record

Gosh I feel good. Well...that's not entirely true. I actually feel incredibly exhausted and (I'm really upset by this) I appear to have come down with ANOTHER cold. I felt it coming on on my drive up to Portland this morning. Sore throat ish. And now it feels so sore I'm having trouble swallowing. UGH!!! On my FIRST day of vacation no less.

But, given all that, I feel great. I'm so happy to be in Portland. My drive rocked. I woke up at 4 am and left by five. By the time the sun was coming up, I was almost half way done with my drive. It was a beautiful drive. The smell of the trees and wood permeated the car. We had all windows down. Coaches flaps flying in the wind. I had a bunch of coaching stuff to listen to the car and a fully loaded ipod with a "Portland" mix and everything. I had gone to Trader Joe's the night before so I would have healthy snacks and we only stopped a few times for gas and to let the puppy run around. He was a dream on this trip. Sweet and silly, climbing up to the front seat every so often. We made the drive in 9 hours. A world record I think. I'm feeling very proud.

And it's been so great to see my old friends. It's like no time has passed. Her house smells the same as her old house in Santa Barbara. There's something so soothing about familiarity.

And now it's half past eleven and I can't believe I'm still awake. Must go to sleep.

Challenge 215: Goodnight Oakland Moon

Can't get the song "Leaving on a Jet Plane" out of my head. It's what I want to sing whenever I go on a trip. This time, though, I'm not going on no jet plane. I'm hitting the streets with my big ole dog. I wasn't even worried at all about my 10 plus hour flight until today when I kept getting weird faces and winces when I said where I was going. And a couple of "oh wow...that's a REALLY hard drive to do in one day," and "well, maybe you'll be able to stop for a bit and rest." Uh oh. I thought. But oh well. I'm going and there ain't nothin you can do about it.

I'm exhausted. Which is awesome because I'm supposed to be on the road in seven hours. I'm hoping sleep will come easily.

Today was just wonderful. I hung with a good friend, and her mom and grandma. Trying to be an ambassador for Oakland, trying to explain why THIS is the best place to live. I think it worked a little. I hope I hope. Had a bunch of clients, got a bunch of stuff done, and I'm all packed and ready to go, with the backseat of the car stuffed with goodies for Coach.

So, so long office. Goodnight Oakland moon and hello (on my way to) Portland sunrise.

Challenge 214: It's time

Why not just do it?

Seems like a simple enough question. Not that many words in it. Not any hard words. A simple and short string of easy words, strung together into an easy question. So then why is it so hard to move forward.

I find it funny that my whole line of work stands on the "why not just do it" ground. But yet, I still find myself here hemming and hawing and waiting and hoping and dragging my feet. What the gosh darn heck is my problem!?!?! And what is taking me so long? Geez, take the first step already.

A little nudge from Vaughn today has this on my mind. We chatted about it and he basically said "why not just do it?" And of course I got huffy and weird. But he's right. It's silly.

So I guess I should do it. Not just to prove him wrong, but because it's time.

Challenge 213: Feeling Good

Ok. Yes. Technically it's tomorrow. BUT I just got home and so it's still today for me. Today was great. Lots of buzzy energy.

I had a new client this morning, a random stumbling upon something AWESOME I think I want to be a part of, spent my evening with the sweetest little girl, then went out to a biker bar to meet some friends and ended running into a friend I toured with. AND, Lily let me have some clothes, so I was stylin.

It feels good to be out, meeting people, seeing what connections can be made, because inevitably there will be some. I'm feeling good.

Challenge 212: Personal Growth is a Bitch

Do you ever feel kind of like a loser? For no real reason? Like nothing happened, nothing changed, there's just an underlying feeling of unease inside. It's underneath and also on top.

For me, right now it's showing up as energy in my chest and neck. The puppy is so cute. I really feel like he can read my energy. As I'm writing, he came in the room and looked right at me and curled up at my feet. Silent and calm and warm. Providing a footrest. A source of love, right in front of me.

I was asked yesterday if I knew what unconditional love was. Love...without limitations. Without conditions. The kind of love where no matter what the other person does or says, you love them the same. I had to really think about it. And the more I thought about it, the scarier it got. Could it be possible that I've always loved conditionally? That what a person does, DOES factor in to how much I love them. I think I've been confused by love, forever, if that's the case.

And when I was asked if there was someone I could think of that I love unconditionally, Coach came to mind automatically. The way I love him is so pure. He, most of the time, doesn't do things that make me happy. He gets into things, he dirties the sheets, and requires a lot of attention, he doesn't always come when called, he eats the couch, or plays rowdy in the office when I'm trying to work. But none of that effects my love. My love for him is expansive. And I'm learning that I've learned to love in a very confusing and conditional way. I'm now aware of it, which is good. But I feel like I have so much work to do. To open my heart, really.

I've said it before but I'll say it again...personal growth is a bitch.

Challenge 211: Lesson Learned...again

It's amazing to me how much better I feel about myself and my life when I'm busy busy busy. I've had a jam packed day of coaching and I feel a million times better than any of the previous four days when I've had virtually no work. I can't believe I STILL learn this lesson everytime. No plans/work=feeling bad. Lots of plans/work=feel great. It also makes my relaxation time feel deserved instead of slothful.

I get so much more done too. When I have a packed day, somehow I end up cleaning the office, mopping the floors, doing laundry and organizing the closet. When I have nothing to do, nothing gets done. Lesson learned. Again.

Challenge 210: Staying in the Moment

Well, details of said reunion are starting to get closer, but I won't say anything officially until I know for sure. But I do know that I picked up a guitar TWICE in one week, which is more than I've done for four years or so. I'm learning a new song. One of my favorites, and one of the first that made me love rock n roll. It feels good to be back.

I was lying in bed, reading, when I realized I hadn't written today. Again. I think about 155 days from now. When I have completed an entire year of writing and following through. Yes, that's me, always thinking ahead, living in the dream world. Living in the world ahead of time. I'm so resistant to being in the moment because being in the future is so fun and so full of possibility. But I keep getting messages to practice being and staying right here, right now. So unnatural for me. But I'm so willing to keep trying. And as I'm writing this, I'm imagining myself 155 days from now. What projects will I embark on then. AHHH!! There I go again. (Self...be here.) And as I wrote that, I checked my Facebook. Really...is it so hard to just BE!!?!

Big deep sigh. My shoulders are tight, I just realized and a surge of energy passed through me, pushing little chill bumps up from underneath my skin. I can hear the sound of a car or two passing by on the nearby freeway. Bucket drinking water from his bowl in the kitchen. I know I'm tired, but I don't really feel it. All I can feel is my hair against my neck, almost itchy and definitely tickly. I scratch my head, I don't know if because I needed to or if it was contagious, since I'm writing about itching and all. The cars outside sound louder than just a moment before. I just cracked my knuckles with a release so satisfying. And I guess I was just in that moment.

Now I'm off to other moments spent in my bed with a book and a big ol puppy dog.

Challenge 209: Titsofrenix Reunion

Well it's technically tomorrow since it's past midnight, but since I haven't gone to bed yet, I'm still counting this as today's post.

I'm still not over this damn cold and it's really starting to frustrate me. BUT, I can see the light. I think by Friday I'll be as good as new, which is good because I have friends coming into town.

Lately, I've really been missing being in a band and that part of myself. I think I sort of pushed that part of me away for the past few years, but I feel it bubbling back, badder and bigger than ever. Today I met up with my old bass player from my first band and we played around with some old songs. The girls and I decided to play a Titsofrenix reunion show. Hopefully opening for Diego's. Wouldn't that be a trip!? Don't know when, but I'm going to practice with the girls when I'm up in Portland.

Tired is setting in and cuddling in the bed with the puppy is sounding mighty fine.

Til tomorrow...

Challenge 207: Business on the Run

I was lying in bed, reading, when I realized I hadn't visited you all today. I meant to at many points throughout the day, but the day just passed on by.

Right now there is a tickle in my throat. Still. I'm trying to figure out how to hold all the things I want to do. Hold them in my hands and heart and see them, literally, happen. With my eyeballs. I believe, now, that I can do a lot of different things. That I don't necessarily have to choose, and somehow I still think they will al fit together. Right now the Universe is placing some decisions on my lap. It's giving me help. And making me really decide how I feel, what I want to do.

And then there is traveling. Lately I've been feeling like I want to see more of the world. Live in another country. Explore this one. THe word that comes to mind is RICH. I want to experience richness. I just want to experience experience. I met a little girl who is moving to Brazil next year with her mom, just because it's a nice place. No real reason. She's no more than 12 and has already been to Brazil and India and wants to open up a restaruant in Paris (I think I told you about her, no?). She's so wide eyed about the world. So interested. And she inspires me. AND, I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love, which all fits together very nicely. I love it here, but really, I have very little ties. My job can travel with me, I don't have kids or a mortgage. Why not, right?

As I write, Coach has taken up over half of the bed. He's snoring and twitching and is resting his head on the pillow like a good diva dog. He's getting so spoiled with this bed thing, but oh well. I love having him there and I try to balance the spoiling out with discipline drills throughout the day. He keeps me warm and gives me something to cuddle.

Tomorrow I get lunch with Lisa, my old bass player for my first (well...technically second if you count my little bluegrass outfit in college) band. We're going to catch up and play some music together. Possible reunion show is my future, I think.

Challenge 206: Finally feeling like summer

It's the first time I've been home since 10 this morning. And it feels good. I got out, I saw friends, drank tea, went to the city, had a business meeting, and now I'm back at home, in my office with the pets by my side. Sounds of licking and grooming.

I'm feeling very tired. Like I can just curl up on the couch with a blanket and check out for the rest of the night. It helps that it's chilly here, with a gray sky. Seemingly the perfect weather for right this moment. I'm still feeling under the weather. Not my full self, but a more lethargic, tired version. With a stuffy head and no taste buds. It's annoying and I can't wait for that morning when I wake up feel great, and grateful that I have my health back. Tomorrow perhaps?

Things feel exciting right now. New ventures, new perspectives, tons of new ideas. I'm really looking forward to a vacation I have planned with the pup in a couple weeks. Finally feeling like summer. Except the weather, of course.

Challenge 205: Want it all

What would it be like if I could have it all?

This was an inquiry posed to a client of mine this week. And in the spirit of walking the talk, I've been asking myself the same question ever since. And it's opened up my mind to so many possibilities. Why limit myself? Why not have all the things I want, no matter how crazy they sound? Why shouldn't I be able to be a Jill of all Trades, doing many things? I tell you...it's a freeing exercise. A freeing thought process. I mean, really, to get to paint it the way I want to paint it. Life. And I do...want it all, that is.

Challenge 204: Onward

Well it's spring cleaning here in the house. Time to get my butt in gear and do all the towels laundry that's been piling up, organize the closets, mop the floors, give the kitchen and bathroom a good scrub. It feels good to do it. In fact, I love doing it, especially when I know it'll stay that way for awhile.

Today is sunny. It's early evening and the slight wind outside is making the red flag in front of my window dance and the trees sway. I can feel fall somewhere around the corner. Not in anything specific, just a general feeling and knowingness that August is technically the last month of summer. Summer just flew by with no real beginning or end for me. I didn't really do any "summery" kind of things, my workload was the same, and I still don't have a tan. Very different from the southern california summers I'm used to. And the non-tan isn't because the weather hasn't been nice. I think it's because I no longer have a pool at my house, or a laying out area, and the beaches aren't necessarily the warm spots here.

I found out last night that I passed my written exam for school. One more thing to go and then I'm certified! My oral exam is scheduled for the end of September.

Vaughn left this morning. It wasn't a huge event. Just a following of events, time passing. We knew it was coming. And it was gosh darn early. 6am. I took him to Bart, we said a quick goodbye and I came home and went back to sleep for a few hours. Nothing feels different yet, except tons of laundry is being done. I wonder why it doesn't occur to me to do while he's here. Hmmmmmmmm.

Anyway, I have a lot planned this month and I'm really excited. Starting with a Trader Joe's run and dinner/brainstorming session with Lily. Onward.

Challenge 203: Later Skater

Last night was a bit rough. This silly little cold is acting so weird. I was so cold last night that I had to put on a sweatshirt in bed. My body was shivering and I couldn't keep warm. That coupled with a cough evenly spaced out every 2 minutes, made it hard for me (and Vaughn) to get any rest. Eventually, I did fall asleep, but I had the strangest dreams. Wonder what's up.

I gave myself the freedom to sleep in and boy did that feel good. I woke up feeling much better than when I went to sleep. My voice, however, is still hoarse and smoky. I kind of like it.

Today is coaching and errands and lots of staring at Vaughn. We just figured out Skype, so we're both looking forward to some funny Skype sessions while he's away. I plan on just leaving the computer open right in front of the dog, hoping that he'll be doing funny things when Vaughn calls in.

I had the most amazing time with this little girl down the street from us. She is in love with our dog and every time she sees us walking she stops to say hello. She's 13 going on 30. Sweet, present, kind, calm, interesting, and she's traveled all over the world. She's moving to Brazil next year and says eventually she wants to open up a restaraunt in Paris. Talk about a girl with dreams!! I love it and being around her inspires me. I want to travel more. See more of the world. Dream bigger. Like her.

I'm now off to do some stuff for my boss. Later skater.

Challenge 202: Drink Fluids

Well, I do have a cold. But it's kind of weird. It started with a tickle in my throat and a slight cough and now I've lost my voice, have a headache and still have a cough. Usually the losing of the voice happens at the tail end of a cold for me, so perhaps this sucker just moved really fast. Let's hope. I get annoyed when I get sick because I feel like it must MEAN something. As if a sickness just can't simply be germs caught. That it means something is up for me. And who knows, maybe it is.

Vaughn is leaving tomorrow and although I'm really excited both for him and for the things I have planned while he's gone, I'm also sad (shhhhhhhh don't tell him...trying to be strong, happy, and supportive) thinking about missing him. I think there is something that happens right before he leaves. It's like an anticipatory sadness, but usually once he's gone, everything is fine.

I had to cancel my 9am appointment this morning because of said cold. I decided to sleep in and it felt good. I have a client in an hour and am not sure if I'll be able to talk for that call, but I'm drinking tea right now and so we'll see. The rest of my day is pretty mellow. Have some errands and calls to make, plans to hang with my bestie, dinner plans with Vaughn, but not much "work." So perhaps that will give me some relaxing time on the couch to drink fluids and let this things pass.

Challenge 201: Beach Workout

Geez am I slipping. I'm not happy with how much I've been forgetting to write lately. I'm just completely forgetting. I've been working on making more of a schedule for things that don't normally need to be on the calendar, like laundry, emails, etc, so I think I' going to try to write this on my calendar. The busier I get, the more I can't quite keep it all together in my head.

I woke up with a tickle in my throat and a slight cough. I'm annoyed. I have a beach workout scheduled this morning and I haven't been sick in over a year. So I'm just going to decide that this isn't here and move on with my day.

It's a grey morning here, very fall feeling and almost wet. The sound of Bart outside my window feels like commuters and I imagine cars full of people listening to NPR sipping on their coffee. That will be me in a half hour, minus the coffee, and minus the commute to work.

I'm feeling a bit anxious lately about how I'm going to make it all work, coaching, ideas, money, business. But luckily, I have a call with my coach today. This hot tea feels warm and yummy on my throat and against this day.

Challenge 200: Life is good. Belly is full.

200 days of writing and it really has gone by so fast. I can't believe it. 200.

I met an anonymous reader last night at Vaughn's show. She introduced herself to me and said she read my blog every day and that it inspired her to do her own 30 days of challenges. I was blown away. Sometimes I just sit here in my house and write as though no one (other than my mom and Dewey and occasionally a friend or Vaughn) are reading, and I always get so pleasantly surprised when someone unexpected mentions something from my blog.

So...you should know, it means a lot to me that you're with me, here on this journey.

I had a great time last night, and although the stilettos were the perfect outfit choice, they weren't necessarily the perfect walking and dancing choice. OUCH! The show was literally packed. I got tossed around up in the front row, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. To me, that's the best way to enjoy Diego's. Front and center.

Today was an amazing day. I couldn't believe how late I slept in...11:00!!! I think it threw my whole day off, in what turned out to be a "slow take-off" morning (as Vaughn calls it). I scheduled absolutely no work today and we just spent the time flitting around town, shopping, erranding, etc. We brought the puppy. We met the most amazing dog today. A Daniff. Great Dane/Mastiff mix. I think I found my new breed to be obsessed with. And gauging from the 2 hours I spent when I got home on the computer researching the breed, there might be a new dog in our future. I said MIGHT. I just can't help it. I'm in deep.

Crab leg, veggies, and quinoa (Mom...pronounced KEEN-WA) dinner in celebration of me finishing school, an episode of True Blood, and now just a few minutes here before the next episode gets put on. Life is good. Belly is full.

Challenge 199: Rockstar coaching?

Eek...I'm losing it. Didn't write yesterday because it simply slipped my mind.
Today was Phoenix filled.

I'm now sitting in my room/office listening to Lady Gaga and getting ready to Vaughn's show. It's reminding me of when I lived in SB or LA. The excitement of the getting ready process. PLanning out the outfit and makeup and hair, listening to music that makes me want to dance. It's a night to break out my stilettos and the purple eyeshadow I never get to flaunt anymore now that I'm not in a band. I think I need to add some things into my life that require this kind of getting ready process. I love it. So creative and fun. Hmmmmmmm...what could that be. Rockstar coaching?

Let's think. My ride is hear. Cheers to a fun night!

Challenge 198: Falling into place

Things are falling into place. Last week I felt a little lost and I resigned to the Universe...asking it to provide me with my next thing. I know how ridiculous that might sound to some, but I swear, it works. Call it what you want...Higher Power, God, Universe, whatever. There's something bigger than me at work and everytime I give myself over to the power of it, it gives me what I want.

And it has, this time too. I feel like there are so many fun things on my plate. So many projects to work on and directions to go, all towards the same big direction. This is fun. Coaching has changed my life. Every person I've met along the way. The coaching community. It's all been so wonderful.

Challenge 197: Let's go eat

Wow...I have so many emotions right now. I am sitting in my office. The west facing window has a sliver on sun shining through so it shines on my calendar sitting right next to where I am typing. I am in such a reflective mood, looking back through my certification program, back through this year, back since my move from LA. I feel like a different person. I feel like my life is so rich in such a different way.

Outside, a little birdie is chirping, as if saying "pay attention to me!" The chirp is in evenly spaced intervals. What's the message? I wonder. My attention is focused on it. What it is showing is the contrast of the quiet of the house, to the noises of the outside world.

I just finished my very last certification call. Ever. That chapter is over. Completed. And I feel really proud. And accomplished. And sad. The chirping is gone and I'm now hearing the rustle of the leaves on the avocado tree outside my east facing window. Just paying attention to the day. I feel a bit choked up after the call. I love the learning. I love the coaching community. I love the structure and the reading and the homework. And I want more. But I'm really trying to enjoy this moment. Be proud of how far I've come and celebrate what I've just accomplished.

Jumping ahead is easy for me. I've already been researching my next steps and might make a commitment to something new, today. But for this moment, right now, I want to hear the birds, and the trees, and be proud of myself. I did it. And that's feel amazing. Let's go eat.

Challenge 196: I did it!

Another long, long, full day. But great. I can't believe that i am finishing up my certification program tomorrow! I have a lot of different feelings, but mostly excitement and pride. I did it. It was challenging but I stuck with it and it's been so amazing and so rich. I definitely know I'll miss the structure, so it's not surprising to me I'm now looking for the next school endeavor.
I think...relationship coaching. Trying to get creative around funding. This is fun!

I finished my written exam tonight, and now I just have my oral exam to go before I'm a certified coach. A CPCC. Damn, this feels good.

Night night for now.

Challenge 195: Teenager Year

OK, ok, I know. I really need to not be writing last thing of my day. We all know it's not my sharpest time. I had another very full day.

Isabel turned 13 today. Big, big deal in a girl's life. She's now, officially a teenager. We rung in the big day with a hot pink polka dotted duvet cover, cupcakes with pink icing, and frozen yogurt with chocolate chips. I asked her if it felt like a big deal. She smiled. "Yeah. Like, I don't really FEEL different, but I know it's big."

And it is. Let's see...when I turned 13 I was in 7th grade. Only a couple months in. My hair was silky smooth and at the time I was really into God, sort of. Going to Catholic school, wearing a gold cross, being curious about all the bible stories. In one short year, I was boy crazy, in love with my best friend Carrie's older brother, sneaking cigarettes in the window of Carrie's house. Listening to Snoop Dogg's Doggystyle. I took my very first drink that year. A mix of every type of alcohol Carrie's parents had at their house...rum, vodka, tequila, gin, whiskey and triple sec. Pretty nasty stuff.

Now that I see Isabel, I couldn't possibly imagine her taking a drink, or smoking.
What a difference a teenager year makes.

Challenge 194: Mojo Rising

I have been tracking my moods with a systemic rating system throughout the days, to see if my moods are actually as extreme as I sometimes feel they are. I'm happy to report that they're not! At least not for the past three days. In fact, for two days straight, I've have no ratings below the line, in the negatives. I've just bounced around from positive numbers. But then again, I guess it depends on who you ask. My not extremes might be someone elses total extremes. But either way, this is a fun new game.

I planned my day out today, from wake up til hanging with my girl Erica and the day went according to plan with some fun unplanned treats thrown in there. I've been looking at old pictures from my band days and decided it's time I pull out some of the old outfits and get some new makeup and boy is it fun!! Felt like me again for the first time in awhile. Mojo rising.

Challenge 193: Demon Messages

There are a million reasons why I shouldn't do the things I really really want to do.

What if I fail? What if I succeed? What if I can't do it? What if I'm not as great as I thought? What if it's too hard? What if it's a stupid idea? What if I don't follow through? It'll never work? It'll never happen? I can't do it. I'll never be able to do it.

And I've also come up with an elaborate system that proves all these things to be true. And just like clockwork, it's works like a charm every time. It's the same pattern. The same messages flash in my mind. At the same moments in the process. I think it's the most efficient thing I've ever done...stopping myself from great things.

I feel so silly about it. And being a coach, I even feel sillier. As if helping other people through their silly demon messages gives me license to not have my own. Wrong. Mine are still loud and clear. And what I tell my clients, is that those messages and voices get louder and more clear the closer YOU are to doing something really great...something you really want.

So, ok. Yeah. Great.

And it's just pushing through and doing it anyway. My teacher/mentor/friend talks to me all the time about doing things in increments. I don't have to have it all, perfectly, right now. That it's building blocks. But the problem is that the way I usually operate is that not only do I want it NOW, and PERFECT and AMAZING, but I think that I should have it now, and if I don't, then it must not have been a good idea. UGH!

Well, now, I finally see the errors of my way. So it's a matter of being patient and practicing the build. And not worrying abut the outcome, or income for that matter. Just take little steps and start somewhere. I've been having anxiety all week about something I told my coach I would do. Maybe it's because it's the first step. Of going public. Sort of.

Challenge 192: Write in the Morning

Ugh...I did it again. And I'm not in the writing mood. Please remind me to write in the morning. Thanks. :-)

Challenge 191: Time to go now

I just had the most wonderful conversation with my grandmother. She is so alive. And so colorful. And such a character.
I think I want to plan a project with her. Spend more time with her.
And my day has been so full, with a left-over feeling of not getting it all done (again). And it's late (again) and I'm not much in the reflection mood (again).

School is over in a week and I'm both sad and excited. I love having the structure. I love the learning. So what will I fill in my school times? It's exciting to think about.

Til tomorrow. It's time to go now.

Challenge 190: Mommy Mirror

Another day packed. And I'm feeling the effects of that. Mostly in the slight undercurrent of panic that perhaps I haven't done all the things I was supposed to. Am I prepared for tomorrow?

I've been thinking a lot lately. About a lot of things. But right now, I'm wondering...is it inevitable that we become our parents? And do we become one or the other? And why is that? Is it just simply years of modeling of how to be or is there something deep within us, biological, that makes it so? And are we our parents all along, but just don't notice until a bit later in life or is it that become them the older we get?

I like what this person said.

http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/2274337.aspx

Challenge 189: Done for the Night

Oh dear friend. I almost forgot about you again today.
The day just flew by. All the catching up from the out of town, all the Monday mondays.
I had such a full day. And still managed to sell and make some guitar straps. Creativity that was much needed and a long time coming.

Right now, as I lay in bed, I can feel the puppy breathing next to me. The slight in and out of his breath brushing against my leg. There's a cool breeze from the crack in the window, that also lets in the sound of the cars from outside. The light in here is a soft yellow and it reminds me of bedtime. Of winding down. Of the end of the day where I give myself the freedom to do whatever I please. Just for a few moments. Slow and steady breath and a feeling of calm. I am guessing that it won't be long. And I didn't mean to make that rhyme, it just happened.

Tis the season of things feeling like they are coming together, but also falling apart. Can you have one without the other? Does one thing have to fade as another thing becomes more clear? And does the clarity always trump the fading away? I can feel the earth moving under my feet in a way I've never felt before. Slow and steady. One rotation at a time.

And this rotation, this winding down is windy and done for the night.

Challenge 188: More tomorrow

I spent the last four days without access to the internet, other than by Vaughn's little phone, and I must admit it's been nice. Not having to work, or worry about work. I spent the whole weekend surrounded by good friends. I caught up with people I hadn't seen in awhile. And went to the most beautiful and fun wedding. I danced my ass off, laughed with friends, and now we're home cuddling with the puppy. We're all really tired. And it's now time for bed. More tomorrow.

challenge 188 tea'd up

Still no net. In la at our friends house and its been so great. Really looking forward to the wedding today and seeing friends. Gonna go get tea'd up

challenge 186 no net

At moms house with no internet so I'm using vaughns phone so this will be short. Drive went well. Looking forward to weekend. Watching true blood.

Challenge 185: She's 8 years old

July 14, 2010

185 posts. I'm feeling pretty good about that.

I was thinking about my friend Sara today. She's the kind of girl who plans adventures, does what she wants, thinks and dreams big, and when she sets her mind to something, she ALWAYS gets it. She's the one who will win the sweepstakes or get the killer online deal. She's happy and fun to be around and she is my model for this bucket list stuff. She's wonderfully and fully living her life! Taking vacations and buying homes. Simply...she rocks.

I see her and I see no fear. Whether she has fear or not could be another story. But from over here it looks like she just goes for it...life. And it looks like she has so much fun.

So why don't we all just go for it? What holds us back?
I don't know about a collective straight jacket, but I know that what holds me back is fear. Fear I can't do it, fear I'll fail, fear I'll succeed, fear I won't be good at it, fear I'll get embarrassed. Fear all around.

This sounds silly, but today I talked to that part of me that is afraid. She's 8 years old. And we decided together that instead of her job being protecting me from embarrassment, her job was now going to be pushing me forward into the learning process of trying new things and maybe or maybe not failing, but the point being the learning.

This is key for my bucket list stuff.

Challenge 184: Let's do this

I feel a little bit out of touch. I have no idea how to use Twitter. I just logged on to an account I created a couple months back and thought "what the heck...I'm just going to start tweeting." And then I got there and just froze. What do I say? What does this mean or that do? How do I link to an article. I'm sure I should just dive in, but it's almost 10pm and that's past my expiration date for learning new technologies. Perhaps tomorrow.

I've been working on my Bucket List and it's been really fun. There are things that have come up that I had no idea I wanted on there. LIke watch then entire Harry Potter series and Easy Rider and live in Texas. I want to start crossing things off my list. And record it all. And start a website and a online TV show. Let's do this people.

Challenge 183: Still not sure

Oh honesty. You're a funny thing. I've gone through a lot of different stages with this blog. Challenges, honesty, wimpy challenges, wimpy honesty, boredom, tedium, day to days. I originally set out to do something that I'd follow through on...something that I would do everyday for an entire year, and hopefully feel accountable since I was involving other people. I wanted to challenge myself everyday but quickly realized that I couldn't come up with big enough or realistic enough challenges every single day. And at the same time, I was looking inside myself and really wanting to be more open and more vulnerable.

So I tried that. And I think I went overboard a little. Saying potentially hurtful things. True things for me at the time, but if read by certain people, they could be really hurtful. One I almost deleted last night was the one about being unhappy with my job. I was having a really frustrating time, but since then, my boss and I have talked and worked everything out and things are great. I would hate to think that the kids would ever see what I wrote. At the time of writing...I was scared but did it anyway, and at the time, that pushing through the scared was what was important for me. This just keep changing.

So now, here I stand somewhere in the middle. Total honesty might not be the best way to go. Total honesty about my own self, is fine. But not if it involves someone else. Hmmm...so much of great writing is about telling true stories of true feelings. But you may have to hurt people along the way. It may be interesting but I don't know if it's right. And I don't know if I want to do it.

Maybe the key is being honest everywhere. If I'm unhappy at work, be completely up front there so honesty here isn't so scary. I don't know

Still not quite sure about it all.

Challenge 182: Toy Story 3

July 11, 2010

So many ideas swirling around in my head.
But for now...Toy Story 3, in 3D.

Challenge 181: Create the List

Ugh...I forgot...again. I'm not happy about that. But here I am, getting back on the horse.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about Bucket Lists. And how a bucket list is so similar to goals and what coaching is all about. It's all about having a fulfilling life, reaching the goals you want to reach (whether that's emotional goals, spiritual, physical, etc) and it's all about living a fulfilled and joyful life.

I remember a couple months back I realized that one of the coolest things about being a coach is getting to be with someone when they're doing something they never thought they could or would. That feeling of stepping beyond what you could have imagined. And then creating the next step to walk towards. I love that. And it brings me such satisfaction to be there with someone as they do that. How cool is that?! I often ask myself.

I want to incorporate the bucket list into my coaching, in a very specific way. And I want to start checking off things on my bucket list. Step One: Create the LIst.

Challenge 180: You listening?

July 8, 2010

Last night I had a dream that I was riding a motorcycle. It was someone elses and they were Mormon. They left it in this store I was working at and I decided to take it out for a joyride and thought I'd be able to get it back to the store before they came back to get it. Well, we showed up at the same time. And I felt guilty. Because they were Mormon, and I should have asked before I borrowed it. He was nice about it because I said I was just trying it out because I really wanted one and then told me I should get one because it was only $350!! I agreed.

Then the other part of my dream was that I called the girl from the Oprah show thing. It was the same girl that called me the first time to get more information about me. She didn't answer but on her voicemail she rattled off 10 names of people she chose to be on the show. I was one of those names.

In both cases, my dreams were actually my real life dreams. So...from my subconscious to the Universe's ears. You listening?!

Challenge 179: Not on drugs

Do you ever feel like your own body from your own view looks funny? And I'm not talking about looking in the mirror. I'm talking about how your body looks to you from your own eyeballs. Right now I can see my hair draped over my chest and my arms dart out from my sides with my wrists resting on my laptop as my fingers click the keyboard keys. And they just look funny. I guess we're back to alien appendages. But I'm serious. And I remember thinking about this when I was little. Being weirded out that I have no idea what my face looks like in real life. Only through a mirror and through my own perception lenses.

And I swear...I'm not on drugs right now.

Challenge 178: I'm fun...I hope

The combination of the smell of coffee and using my computer always reminds me of college. Of the many days and nights I spent in book stores or coffee shops studying or writing my thesis. I found the distant distractions of the coffee grinders, the classical music, and the bustling of people in quiet conversation soothing and white noise enough for me to get done everything I needed to. Being there also allowed my mind to wander. I got more creative, more thoughtful, and more interested than anywhere else I tried to do my work. I think I miss college a lot for that structure it provided...the task of having to get work done and thus the task of having to go somewhere lovely to do it.

I put myself there today. At Peet's coffee shop in my neighborhood. I'm working on a vision, a dream, a brainstorm about my next big idea. And as I sat down to visual, to dream, to brainstorm, I was struck with the feeling of wanting to share. I desire the structure to put me back here. Back in my creative mind, back in the distant distractions of a place other than home to get stuff done. Perhaps I will build that in to my day. If only it were dog friendly.....

I also love the people watching. I wonder what people are working on, what they're talking about and reading, why they chose that purple shirt to wear today. And I make up stories about them. She's working on her Master's thesis in anthropology and he's starting his own business. She's lonely and bored and wants to be around people but not talk to anyone. He just got back from a bachelor party in Vegas.

And who am I? I'm just a girl with a vision, a dream. What do my pink toenails say about me? That I'm fun...I hope.

I'm full from lunch and that fullness sends my mind wandering to where else I want to feel full in my life. I think I know but let's see where my brainstorm takes me.

Challenge 177: I'll let you know

I've started and erased three times already. Nothing is really coming out right. I'm distracted with the sound of the TV in the background. The whole family is in the living room. Bucket on my lap, Coach on Vaughn's. We just got done with a marathon TV day, or rather are still in the midst of. I've been feeling a bit under the weather today but I think I'll feel great tomorrow.

I'll let you know how that goes.

Challenge 176: Festive red white and blue

July 4th, 2010

4th of July is one of my favorite holidays. I've always loved getting dressed up in a festive red, white and blue outfit. My favorite, throughout the years, being a pair of white shorts with an american flag on the front. One side of the leg was the stars part, and the other was the stripes. This was 1990 and those shorts were a big deal. I've also always loved daytime get togethers involving sun and food. Bbq's, hangouts. And together, it all makes for a great holiday.

Today was all of that combined, minus the American flag shorts and plus pulled pork sandwiches and my now famous potato salad (which, by the way, I had to call Lily to find out how to cook potatoes!). The sun was shining full blast today and we had people over in our backyard. The BBQ was fired up the whole day and reggae played on the stereo. It's what you'd expect from a bunch of Berkeley kids done grown up.

Things are winding down here, and everyone knows except Coach, who's tearing through the house.
True Blood is on pause on the tele...and I'm going to get back to it.

Challenge 175: Til tomorrow...

There is something so soothing about the sound of my cat eating his food. And not just this cat...but all cats I've ever had. It's a clicky crunching, and the sound of nourishment.

Right now I'm sitting in my office, the pink walls look plum colored with the dim light creeping in from the kitchen. Coach lays at my feet stretched out as long as my rug, keeping it warm. I have not much interesting to say.

And as the sound of Bart and a helicopter whiz outside my window I realize that it's not as quiet here as I thought. There's always noise. Cars from the front, Bart from the back. Puppy snoring at my feet. Clicking of the keyboard. Breathing.

NPR had a story this morning about three deaf people who got the implant to hear, and how annoying that was because they were unable to selective hear. They heard everything. From the fan of their computer to the chomping of lunch from their neighbor at work. In all three cases, they decided they'd rather be deaf.

I'm feeling my eyes get heavy, like a droopy cartoon character's eyelids. I imagine that zzzzzz's will form in a bubble next to my head soon.

So...it's me, signing off til tomorrow.

Challenge 174: Alien appendages

I feel a little weird today and I can't exactly pinpoint what's wrong. Nothing, particularly seems wrong. Perhaps it's that I've had virtually an unscheduled morning. I think I do better with schedules.

I had absolutely horrible dreams last night and woke up pretty upset out of them. It was a recurring theme dream for me. All about doing something horrible and then trying to cover it up. I wake up right before I'm about to be found out. Ugh. Just thinking about it is giving me a stomach ache. I just tried to write about the actual dream, a "Dear Sally" of sorts. Writing to my dream self, but I just can't bring myself to publish it. It's too horrible. Delete. Delete.

I'm numb today. Middle-ground. Not upset, not happy. Just somewhere....there. It's quiet in here and as I look at my fingers type on the keyboard, they look strange. And not like my hands. As if I'm a "me" and my hands are these alien appendages with a life of their own. I should probably go outside. Snap out of this. I wonder what the "this" is.

Challenge 173: Those were the days

Me and Lily were reminiscing about old times tonight. Giggling like kids about all the fun we used to have and trouble we used to get into.

"Those were the days," she says.

And now these are the days. They're just different kinds of days. With not as exciting hair cuts.

Challenge 172: Dear Sally

Dear Sally,

I see you right now. Sitting on your day bed with the tie-dyed comforter on top. All around your room are pictures cut out from Rolling Stone. There's Kurt Cobain and Red Hot Chili Peppers and Blind Melon. Your stubs from all the KROQ concerts are lined up and your Weenie Roast poster is almost falling off it's tack. Your room is messy, cluttered. There is stuff everywhere, but every inch of the clutter has so much personality in it. You are so colorful. And as I look at you, you look gray. Quiet, withdrawn. There's no light in your eyes. You're cross-legged on your bed and you look small. Like a little girl. Averting your eyes. But I just look right at you. And give you silence and give you space and hold you from all the way over on the other side of the room. I don't invade your space or try to talk but you know that you can talk to me if you feel like it. I want to touch your hair. Get closer. But I don't. You wouldn't want that. I'm not waiting for you to do or say anything. I'm not imposing anything into your space. You feel as though I'm not here, but still very much tightly close.

You begin to talk and as you do tears start pouring out of your eyes. I don't move, or so or say anything. I just hear you and see you. And you keep going. I tell you it's ok to feel what you're feeling. And that's it. And I walk over to you and hold you. And that's it. I tell you I will never leave you and that you always have me right here. And that's it. You say you want to feel happiness. KNow what it feels like to not struggle. You want things to not feel so hard. And I hear you and I see you. And that's it.

With Love and far away hugs,
Sally

Challenge 171: Not a scientist...yet

I'm kind of surprised I haven't quit this yet. It's turned into something different than it started and lately I haven't been feeling like I have much I want to share. So the writing, admittedly, has been boring and surface. I do, however, love the habit of writing daily in some kind of capacity. AND, to think that I've done something consistently for 171 days in a row is something to feel good about.

Work has gotten better. I'm really enjoying the kids lately and my boss and I seem to be in a pretty good place.

Mostly, I'm just wondering what my next steps are. It's like I feel big things under the surface, but the vision is unclear. I'm not sure what it'll be, what it'll look like. I just know what it feels like. I was talking to my mentor last week about the unknown. About how so many stresses and worry come from not knowing how things are going to be in the future. Yes. Exactly.
And he was saying how good scientists love the unknown.

I'm pretty sure I'm not a scientist yet, but I would love for my relationship with the unknown to change. I would love it if it excited me to not know. It's baby steps I suppose. I don't know what my day will be likely (entirely) tomorrow, and I'm not freaked out.

Challenge 170: Phone calls and emails and dishes

Early morning. I think I got used to waking up at 6:30 from the weekend, that my eyes popped open easily at 7am this morning. I decided that it's probably a good idea to try to get at least an hour more of sleep, so I stayed in bed and popped in and out of sleep. I love being up in the morning. I can get so much done. By 10am, I had already walked two miles with the puppy, given him a bath, and returned a video.

I have an underlying sense of unease in my stomach. It's probably just that it's Monday. But I'm also anticipating a whirlwind next couple months with travels and weddings and Vaughn's shows and summer. Wondering what's next for me. In both the big picture and small picture. I'm about 6 weeks away from certification and I'm wondering how I'll spend that time. What learning is still here in those six weeks. How do I take advantage of it all.

I'm feeling some things kind of slip behind. Emails, phone calls, dishes. And all I really want to do is veg out on the couch and watch tv.

But I have a client in a few and work after that. And phone calls and emails and dishes.

Challenge 169: Wiped from the weekend

Trying to really sink into this weekend at school. What I learned, who I met, what it meant for me.
Every time I do anything in the coaching world, and especially things that I don't actually feel like doing right at the time, something always serendipitous happens. This time, I met Mai, an instructor who I think I will work with in some important capacity in my life. Then there were Zoe and Shannon, my fellow assistants. If nothing else, we will be friends and I now have two more friends here in the bay area.

I'm pretty wiped from three 7-5 days in a row of coaching, assisting (always checking to make sure the students are getting everything they need, from coffee and water, to making sure they're getting what they need emotional), and learning. I gain more tools for my coaching and I learn more about myself and how to be a better coach and person.

I couldn't be any more grateful for CTI and how it's changed my life. The things that are set in motion by doing this coach training are invaluable.

And I can't wait to see where I go.

Challenge 168: Why Not

I'm sitting here with the puppy. On the couch with the TV on. The remnants of my stomach ache from earlier are still here.

Today is class a bit hard and I'm completely wiped. I've been thinking a lot lately that I just feel so much that there is something big out there for me. When I get dreamy, it feels so solid, and when I think about the how or the what, I feel so deflated.

I see these people in the magazines or on TV and think, "why not me?"

"Why not?"

Challenge 166: All I got for today

School days school days. Oh how I love thee.
I had the earliest morning and the longest day, but I'm just so in love with coaching.

I'm wiped from the day. And I almost didn't go this weekend. This happens to me everytime. I almost don't go, and when I do, something amazing happens or I meet someone I was just supposed to know.

Today, I realized I want to learn to knit, I met one really great girl, and really connected with one of the leaders which I lead will lead to something else really great. I know I'm being vague and not that interesting, but that's all I got for today.

Challenge 165: Gloomy on the inside

I'm not really sure what to write. There's something on my mind that I don't feel like sharing. And it's pretty much all that is on my mind.

But yet, I agreed to chat with you, here, every day.

I'm listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and it's tugging on a heart string, unexpectedly. I'm here, cooking dinner. With the music filling the room, the sound of sizzling on the stove. It's gloomy outside and I'm feeling a bit gloomy inside.

Challenge 164: In my heart of hearts

Close call today. I was already in bed with the lights out when I realized I hadn't written my blog today. The days are just getting so filled up and I book out hour by hour. I really should get back into the habit of writing in the morning (I know...I've said it all before).

I had a meeting with my mentor today. We talked about how it's been scientifically proven, time and time again, that beliefs cause reality. In my case, I believed Oprah's people were going to call, and they did.

Now the trick is to believe that they are going to call again. And again. I told my mom that I didn't want to be too excited about my initial phone call in case they didn't call back. But then, perhaps, I'm putting the belief out there that I don't think they'll call back.

There are some things I know in my heart of hearts, and for now, those will remain there.

Challenge 163: Can't wait til I'm free

I absolutely hate that my boss has the power to make me feel so shitty. I've completely come to the point where I get a stomach ache the second I hear a text message early in the morning. I dread opening my emails, expecting to get one from him telling me I didn't do something right, or being passive aggressive. It just drives me crazy. I feel bullied. And I hate that I've given him the power to make me feel that way.

I just feel bad for the kids. I can see what's happening to them and I don't feel good about it.

The more time that goes by, the more kids I watch and the more I learn about how everything that happens to us when we're growing up contributes heavily to how we are as adults, the more I want to do something to help. I don't exactly know what that looks like yet. I've daydreamed about opening a school or writing books. But I just don't know. All I know is that kids keep with them forever stuff that they feel when they're little. And if you could only prevent some of that hurt, imagine how much better off they could be. Kids can't help how they feel. They can't help what happens to them. It's just sad.

Today I have to write a "it's not ok how you treat me," email to my boss. I think I'll wait until after my client.