Do you ever feel kind of like a loser? For no real reason? Like nothing happened, nothing changed, there's just an underlying feeling of unease inside. It's underneath and also on top.
For me, right now it's showing up as energy in my chest and neck. The puppy is so cute. I really feel like he can read my energy. As I'm writing, he came in the room and looked right at me and curled up at my feet. Silent and calm and warm. Providing a footrest. A source of love, right in front of me.
I was asked yesterday if I knew what unconditional love was. Love...without limitations. Without conditions. The kind of love where no matter what the other person does or says, you love them the same. I had to really think about it. And the more I thought about it, the scarier it got. Could it be possible that I've always loved conditionally? That what a person does, DOES factor in to how much I love them. I think I've been confused by love, forever, if that's the case.
And when I was asked if there was someone I could think of that I love unconditionally, Coach came to mind automatically. The way I love him is so pure. He, most of the time, doesn't do things that make me happy. He gets into things, he dirties the sheets, and requires a lot of attention, he doesn't always come when called, he eats the couch, or plays rowdy in the office when I'm trying to work. But none of that effects my love. My love for him is expansive. And I'm learning that I've learned to love in a very confusing and conditional way. I'm now aware of it, which is good. But I feel like I have so much work to do. To open my heart, really.
I've said it before but I'll say it again...personal growth is a bitch.
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