Challenge 142: Honesty killed the job?

June 1, 2010

Well, I spent the last 24 hours in an absolute panic that my boss was going to read my blog from yesterday and confront me about it. Does he even know I have a blog? Would he have mentioned it if he did? So far so good.

I'm feeling really exhausted, for not any really great reason, other than all this working on myself is exhausting. I'm loving it, but at the end of the day, I just want to sit on the couch for hours and do nothing. I planned to do some internal work on my saboteur (that voice inside my head that tells me I can't do stuff...the keeper of the status quo) and also work on some of my limiting beliefs, but honestly, it just feels like too much work right now. It's like I'm getting hit left and right with ways to learn and deepen and grow, but it's so constant. Anyway, I'm beating a dead horse. You get it...right?

I want to tell you about my interview yesterday. It can best be summed up by an email I wrote a friend earlier.

"the interview was simultaneously the coolest and most bizarre interview I've ever been to. The job is an office job at his coaching firm. He's a coach, with a coaching company and so the interview was set up much more like a coaching session/matchmaking session than an interview. He asked me all kinds of crazy intuitive questions ("what is it about you that you don't want me to know?" to which I replied, "honestly, I don't know how long I'm going to stick around") and had all these crazy intuitive hits about me ("I feel like you're the kind of person that gets really passionate and excited about something and then lets it fade away"). He also said crazy things like "I'm getting the sense that you really need a baby. I don't know what that's a metaphor for, but something that YOU create that you can nourish and put all your time and energy into and love." It was pretty wild. All his hits were right on. We both got emotional.

I know he likes me but I don't know if I'll get the job. I don't know if I want it or not. He wanted me to take until Wednesday to really think about how long I think I'd stay working there. Overall, a wild experience!"

It was so interesting to go into an interview and be completely honest, like "yeah, really, my goal is to NOT work here, but rather have a coaching company like you and this job is really about me learning how to run one," and "Honestly, I don't know how I'll like an office job," and "i don't know how long I'd stay here." I think he appreciated the honesty. And I have til tomorrow to tell him how long I'd be willing to commit to the job. I don't know what I'm going to say. Thank goodness I'm getting coached three times tomorrow.

I feel like this is a very exciting time for me. I'm growing in such new ways. I'm being pushed and challenged and I have to face it all head on. I just feel like something is brewing, bubbling underneath. All of these steps along the way mean something. The job interview, the nanny gig, the belief closet guy mentoring me. All of it. My coach. Everything. I feel it in my chest and throat. Like a ball of energy bouncing around and filling up space.

Right now...that ball is forcing me out the door to take the puppy out.