Challenge 141: No tear by the writer, no tear by the reader

May 31, 2010


I got a great email from Vaughn's dad today. He added a quote in there that said, "No tear by the writer...no tear by the reader." I couldn't agree more and it's right in line with everything I've been feeling lately.

If I'm not feeling much while writing, you won't be feeling much while reading. I use the word boring. But it's more than that. Readers can tell when they're getting a sneak peak into the depths of your mind, or gut, or soul. And that makes for good reading.

Sometimes, for me, the writing spills out of me, like an exorcism. And sometimes I have to think about it and it's all very analytical. Or on the surface. And I hate that. Sometimes what I really want to say is talking bad about people I care about, but I know that's not the virtuous thing to do. So where do I draw the line. Being open only about me?

I'm still learning how to do this.

I'm closing my eyes now. And just letting come out what wants to.

I hate my job. I'm tired of watching other peoples kids, of getting jerked around with my time. Of being at someone's beck and call. I feel disrespected most of the time and over all, it's not what I want to be doing. Not what I thought I'd be doing. I'm tired of this. Tired of be afraid to open my email and being told there's yet another thing I should be doing differently at work. Being told my hours are going to be cut back this week. And that we'll make them up some other time. Really? WHEN?! I have a life outside this job. My time is filled in. I'm working my ass off. I don't even know what I want to have happen, or rather how I'm going to make happen what I want. I almost don't believe it's possible and therein lies the problem. I want to coach. I want to get better. I want my own practice. I'm sick of being someone's bitch. Of taking care of someone else's family. I barely even cook dinner for my own now since I'm cooking dinner for them three days a week. And rarely do I get any appreciation from the kids. It's always, "EW salmon" or "these veggies are weird." Ugh! So frustrating. I feel like I'm constantly failing and since it's not a job I care about, it's not like I'm working really hard to get better. I vowed after the last nanny job I got that I wasn't ever going to nanny again, and here I am. Same problems. I want to fill in the gaps financially with something I care about. Work in a place with really great and open people doing really wonderful things. In a great building, where the people I work for really value me. Really help me grow as I help them grow. I'm fed up.

Ok...so there's that. I guess that's there.

Off to a job interview in a few and wish I was in a better head space. Want to take all this annoyed and frustrated energy and turn it around into a killer interview. But mostly, I want to just go in there and be myself and see what happens. I believe that if it's the right place for me, it'll work out. And if not...back to the drawing board. I know the right opportunity will present itself.