Challenge 134: Be completely honest in this blog today

May 25, 2010

Today's challenge is tied into the actual writing of this blog. Being honest and vulnerable. You see, I am aware of you all reading this. I know that what I say will be read, at the very least, by my mom, and at the most, potentially by friends, family, my boss, peers, potential and current clients, and strangers. In in the spirit of honest, I'm admitting that as I write, I tailor everything I say to all the potential readers out there.

"Can't say anything that will get me in trouble with my boss."
"Can't say anything that will worry or alarm my mom."
"Can't say anything that makes me seem like an unconfident coach."
"Can't say anything that will embarrass me."

Everything I write is about portraying what I decide to portray. Not giving away too much information, but rather holding whatever bits and pieces I decide close to my heart.

But this isn't just in this blog that I do this. This is related directly to how I've operated in life for as long as I can remember.
Perhaps a way to protect myself from embarrassment, or getting hurt, or letting people really inside, for fear that they'll leave and I'll be sad. It's a shield. A purposeful, bubble shield, that bounces away any potential dangers.

But I become a shell. A chameleon. Always assessing the situation. Always decided what outfit or conversation or behavior goes along with it. And then behave, talk and dress accordingly. It's not very free. And I've just really started looking at this.

Part of me wants to let it all loose. Just be vulnerable (barely able to say the word). And part of me wants to hold on to it so tight. I know that letting go of it will be the thing that really allows me to soar.

But what if you won't like me? What if I have nothing interesting to say? Who I am if I'm not *insert here whatever you think of me* (a rockstar, a nanny, a friend, a college buddy, a daughter, a sister, a coach, a client, a girl with a great dane, a stranger).

My heart is beating faster after what I just wrote. It's honest. And vulnerable.

I have four minutes until my next call and I really just want to be here and sit with all of this. I don't really feel like being a coach right now.