Challenge 199: Rockstar coaching?

Eek...I'm losing it. Didn't write yesterday because it simply slipped my mind.
Today was Phoenix filled.

I'm now sitting in my room/office listening to Lady Gaga and getting ready to Vaughn's show. It's reminding me of when I lived in SB or LA. The excitement of the getting ready process. PLanning out the outfit and makeup and hair, listening to music that makes me want to dance. It's a night to break out my stilettos and the purple eyeshadow I never get to flaunt anymore now that I'm not in a band. I think I need to add some things into my life that require this kind of getting ready process. I love it. So creative and fun. Hmmmmmmm...what could that be. Rockstar coaching?

Let's think. My ride is hear. Cheers to a fun night!

Challenge 198: Falling into place

Things are falling into place. Last week I felt a little lost and I resigned to the Universe...asking it to provide me with my next thing. I know how ridiculous that might sound to some, but I swear, it works. Call it what you want...Higher Power, God, Universe, whatever. There's something bigger than me at work and everytime I give myself over to the power of it, it gives me what I want.

And it has, this time too. I feel like there are so many fun things on my plate. So many projects to work on and directions to go, all towards the same big direction. This is fun. Coaching has changed my life. Every person I've met along the way. The coaching community. It's all been so wonderful.

Challenge 197: Let's go eat

Wow...I have so many emotions right now. I am sitting in my office. The west facing window has a sliver on sun shining through so it shines on my calendar sitting right next to where I am typing. I am in such a reflective mood, looking back through my certification program, back through this year, back since my move from LA. I feel like a different person. I feel like my life is so rich in such a different way.

Outside, a little birdie is chirping, as if saying "pay attention to me!" The chirp is in evenly spaced intervals. What's the message? I wonder. My attention is focused on it. What it is showing is the contrast of the quiet of the house, to the noises of the outside world.

I just finished my very last certification call. Ever. That chapter is over. Completed. And I feel really proud. And accomplished. And sad. The chirping is gone and I'm now hearing the rustle of the leaves on the avocado tree outside my east facing window. Just paying attention to the day. I feel a bit choked up after the call. I love the learning. I love the coaching community. I love the structure and the reading and the homework. And I want more. But I'm really trying to enjoy this moment. Be proud of how far I've come and celebrate what I've just accomplished.

Jumping ahead is easy for me. I've already been researching my next steps and might make a commitment to something new, today. But for this moment, right now, I want to hear the birds, and the trees, and be proud of myself. I did it. And that's feel amazing. Let's go eat.

Challenge 196: I did it!

Another long, long, full day. But great. I can't believe that i am finishing up my certification program tomorrow! I have a lot of different feelings, but mostly excitement and pride. I did it. It was challenging but I stuck with it and it's been so amazing and so rich. I definitely know I'll miss the structure, so it's not surprising to me I'm now looking for the next school endeavor.
I think...relationship coaching. Trying to get creative around funding. This is fun!

I finished my written exam tonight, and now I just have my oral exam to go before I'm a certified coach. A CPCC. Damn, this feels good.

Night night for now.

Challenge 195: Teenager Year

OK, ok, I know. I really need to not be writing last thing of my day. We all know it's not my sharpest time. I had another very full day.

Isabel turned 13 today. Big, big deal in a girl's life. She's now, officially a teenager. We rung in the big day with a hot pink polka dotted duvet cover, cupcakes with pink icing, and frozen yogurt with chocolate chips. I asked her if it felt like a big deal. She smiled. "Yeah. Like, I don't really FEEL different, but I know it's big."

And it is. Let's see...when I turned 13 I was in 7th grade. Only a couple months in. My hair was silky smooth and at the time I was really into God, sort of. Going to Catholic school, wearing a gold cross, being curious about all the bible stories. In one short year, I was boy crazy, in love with my best friend Carrie's older brother, sneaking cigarettes in the window of Carrie's house. Listening to Snoop Dogg's Doggystyle. I took my very first drink that year. A mix of every type of alcohol Carrie's parents had at their house...rum, vodka, tequila, gin, whiskey and triple sec. Pretty nasty stuff.

Now that I see Isabel, I couldn't possibly imagine her taking a drink, or smoking.
What a difference a teenager year makes.

Challenge 194: Mojo Rising

I have been tracking my moods with a systemic rating system throughout the days, to see if my moods are actually as extreme as I sometimes feel they are. I'm happy to report that they're not! At least not for the past three days. In fact, for two days straight, I've have no ratings below the line, in the negatives. I've just bounced around from positive numbers. But then again, I guess it depends on who you ask. My not extremes might be someone elses total extremes. But either way, this is a fun new game.

I planned my day out today, from wake up til hanging with my girl Erica and the day went according to plan with some fun unplanned treats thrown in there. I've been looking at old pictures from my band days and decided it's time I pull out some of the old outfits and get some new makeup and boy is it fun!! Felt like me again for the first time in awhile. Mojo rising.

Challenge 193: Demon Messages

There are a million reasons why I shouldn't do the things I really really want to do.

What if I fail? What if I succeed? What if I can't do it? What if I'm not as great as I thought? What if it's too hard? What if it's a stupid idea? What if I don't follow through? It'll never work? It'll never happen? I can't do it. I'll never be able to do it.

And I've also come up with an elaborate system that proves all these things to be true. And just like clockwork, it's works like a charm every time. It's the same pattern. The same messages flash in my mind. At the same moments in the process. I think it's the most efficient thing I've ever done...stopping myself from great things.

I feel so silly about it. And being a coach, I even feel sillier. As if helping other people through their silly demon messages gives me license to not have my own. Wrong. Mine are still loud and clear. And what I tell my clients, is that those messages and voices get louder and more clear the closer YOU are to doing something really great...something you really want.

So, ok. Yeah. Great.

And it's just pushing through and doing it anyway. My teacher/mentor/friend talks to me all the time about doing things in increments. I don't have to have it all, perfectly, right now. That it's building blocks. But the problem is that the way I usually operate is that not only do I want it NOW, and PERFECT and AMAZING, but I think that I should have it now, and if I don't, then it must not have been a good idea. UGH!

Well, now, I finally see the errors of my way. So it's a matter of being patient and practicing the build. And not worrying abut the outcome, or income for that matter. Just take little steps and start somewhere. I've been having anxiety all week about something I told my coach I would do. Maybe it's because it's the first step. Of going public. Sort of.

Challenge 192: Write in the Morning

Ugh...I did it again. And I'm not in the writing mood. Please remind me to write in the morning. Thanks. :-)

Challenge 191: Time to go now

I just had the most wonderful conversation with my grandmother. She is so alive. And so colorful. And such a character.
I think I want to plan a project with her. Spend more time with her.
And my day has been so full, with a left-over feeling of not getting it all done (again). And it's late (again) and I'm not much in the reflection mood (again).

School is over in a week and I'm both sad and excited. I love having the structure. I love the learning. So what will I fill in my school times? It's exciting to think about.

Til tomorrow. It's time to go now.

Challenge 190: Mommy Mirror

Another day packed. And I'm feeling the effects of that. Mostly in the slight undercurrent of panic that perhaps I haven't done all the things I was supposed to. Am I prepared for tomorrow?

I've been thinking a lot lately. About a lot of things. But right now, I'm wondering...is it inevitable that we become our parents? And do we become one or the other? And why is that? Is it just simply years of modeling of how to be or is there something deep within us, biological, that makes it so? And are we our parents all along, but just don't notice until a bit later in life or is it that become them the older we get?

I like what this person said.

http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/2274337.aspx

Challenge 189: Done for the Night

Oh dear friend. I almost forgot about you again today.
The day just flew by. All the catching up from the out of town, all the Monday mondays.
I had such a full day. And still managed to sell and make some guitar straps. Creativity that was much needed and a long time coming.

Right now, as I lay in bed, I can feel the puppy breathing next to me. The slight in and out of his breath brushing against my leg. There's a cool breeze from the crack in the window, that also lets in the sound of the cars from outside. The light in here is a soft yellow and it reminds me of bedtime. Of winding down. Of the end of the day where I give myself the freedom to do whatever I please. Just for a few moments. Slow and steady breath and a feeling of calm. I am guessing that it won't be long. And I didn't mean to make that rhyme, it just happened.

Tis the season of things feeling like they are coming together, but also falling apart. Can you have one without the other? Does one thing have to fade as another thing becomes more clear? And does the clarity always trump the fading away? I can feel the earth moving under my feet in a way I've never felt before. Slow and steady. One rotation at a time.

And this rotation, this winding down is windy and done for the night.

Challenge 188: More tomorrow

I spent the last four days without access to the internet, other than by Vaughn's little phone, and I must admit it's been nice. Not having to work, or worry about work. I spent the whole weekend surrounded by good friends. I caught up with people I hadn't seen in awhile. And went to the most beautiful and fun wedding. I danced my ass off, laughed with friends, and now we're home cuddling with the puppy. We're all really tired. And it's now time for bed. More tomorrow.

challenge 188 tea'd up

Still no net. In la at our friends house and its been so great. Really looking forward to the wedding today and seeing friends. Gonna go get tea'd up

challenge 186 no net

At moms house with no internet so I'm using vaughns phone so this will be short. Drive went well. Looking forward to weekend. Watching true blood.

Challenge 185: She's 8 years old

July 14, 2010

185 posts. I'm feeling pretty good about that.

I was thinking about my friend Sara today. She's the kind of girl who plans adventures, does what she wants, thinks and dreams big, and when she sets her mind to something, she ALWAYS gets it. She's the one who will win the sweepstakes or get the killer online deal. She's happy and fun to be around and she is my model for this bucket list stuff. She's wonderfully and fully living her life! Taking vacations and buying homes. Simply...she rocks.

I see her and I see no fear. Whether she has fear or not could be another story. But from over here it looks like she just goes for it...life. And it looks like she has so much fun.

So why don't we all just go for it? What holds us back?
I don't know about a collective straight jacket, but I know that what holds me back is fear. Fear I can't do it, fear I'll fail, fear I'll succeed, fear I won't be good at it, fear I'll get embarrassed. Fear all around.

This sounds silly, but today I talked to that part of me that is afraid. She's 8 years old. And we decided together that instead of her job being protecting me from embarrassment, her job was now going to be pushing me forward into the learning process of trying new things and maybe or maybe not failing, but the point being the learning.

This is key for my bucket list stuff.

Challenge 184: Let's do this

I feel a little bit out of touch. I have no idea how to use Twitter. I just logged on to an account I created a couple months back and thought "what the heck...I'm just going to start tweeting." And then I got there and just froze. What do I say? What does this mean or that do? How do I link to an article. I'm sure I should just dive in, but it's almost 10pm and that's past my expiration date for learning new technologies. Perhaps tomorrow.

I've been working on my Bucket List and it's been really fun. There are things that have come up that I had no idea I wanted on there. LIke watch then entire Harry Potter series and Easy Rider and live in Texas. I want to start crossing things off my list. And record it all. And start a website and a online TV show. Let's do this people.

Challenge 183: Still not sure

Oh honesty. You're a funny thing. I've gone through a lot of different stages with this blog. Challenges, honesty, wimpy challenges, wimpy honesty, boredom, tedium, day to days. I originally set out to do something that I'd follow through on...something that I would do everyday for an entire year, and hopefully feel accountable since I was involving other people. I wanted to challenge myself everyday but quickly realized that I couldn't come up with big enough or realistic enough challenges every single day. And at the same time, I was looking inside myself and really wanting to be more open and more vulnerable.

So I tried that. And I think I went overboard a little. Saying potentially hurtful things. True things for me at the time, but if read by certain people, they could be really hurtful. One I almost deleted last night was the one about being unhappy with my job. I was having a really frustrating time, but since then, my boss and I have talked and worked everything out and things are great. I would hate to think that the kids would ever see what I wrote. At the time of writing...I was scared but did it anyway, and at the time, that pushing through the scared was what was important for me. This just keep changing.

So now, here I stand somewhere in the middle. Total honesty might not be the best way to go. Total honesty about my own self, is fine. But not if it involves someone else. Hmmm...so much of great writing is about telling true stories of true feelings. But you may have to hurt people along the way. It may be interesting but I don't know if it's right. And I don't know if I want to do it.

Maybe the key is being honest everywhere. If I'm unhappy at work, be completely up front there so honesty here isn't so scary. I don't know

Still not quite sure about it all.

Challenge 182: Toy Story 3

July 11, 2010

So many ideas swirling around in my head.
But for now...Toy Story 3, in 3D.

Challenge 181: Create the List

Ugh...I forgot...again. I'm not happy about that. But here I am, getting back on the horse.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about Bucket Lists. And how a bucket list is so similar to goals and what coaching is all about. It's all about having a fulfilling life, reaching the goals you want to reach (whether that's emotional goals, spiritual, physical, etc) and it's all about living a fulfilled and joyful life.

I remember a couple months back I realized that one of the coolest things about being a coach is getting to be with someone when they're doing something they never thought they could or would. That feeling of stepping beyond what you could have imagined. And then creating the next step to walk towards. I love that. And it brings me such satisfaction to be there with someone as they do that. How cool is that?! I often ask myself.

I want to incorporate the bucket list into my coaching, in a very specific way. And I want to start checking off things on my bucket list. Step One: Create the LIst.

Challenge 180: You listening?

July 8, 2010

Last night I had a dream that I was riding a motorcycle. It was someone elses and they were Mormon. They left it in this store I was working at and I decided to take it out for a joyride and thought I'd be able to get it back to the store before they came back to get it. Well, we showed up at the same time. And I felt guilty. Because they were Mormon, and I should have asked before I borrowed it. He was nice about it because I said I was just trying it out because I really wanted one and then told me I should get one because it was only $350!! I agreed.

Then the other part of my dream was that I called the girl from the Oprah show thing. It was the same girl that called me the first time to get more information about me. She didn't answer but on her voicemail she rattled off 10 names of people she chose to be on the show. I was one of those names.

In both cases, my dreams were actually my real life dreams. So...from my subconscious to the Universe's ears. You listening?!

Challenge 179: Not on drugs

Do you ever feel like your own body from your own view looks funny? And I'm not talking about looking in the mirror. I'm talking about how your body looks to you from your own eyeballs. Right now I can see my hair draped over my chest and my arms dart out from my sides with my wrists resting on my laptop as my fingers click the keyboard keys. And they just look funny. I guess we're back to alien appendages. But I'm serious. And I remember thinking about this when I was little. Being weirded out that I have no idea what my face looks like in real life. Only through a mirror and through my own perception lenses.

And I swear...I'm not on drugs right now.

Challenge 178: I'm fun...I hope

The combination of the smell of coffee and using my computer always reminds me of college. Of the many days and nights I spent in book stores or coffee shops studying or writing my thesis. I found the distant distractions of the coffee grinders, the classical music, and the bustling of people in quiet conversation soothing and white noise enough for me to get done everything I needed to. Being there also allowed my mind to wander. I got more creative, more thoughtful, and more interested than anywhere else I tried to do my work. I think I miss college a lot for that structure it provided...the task of having to get work done and thus the task of having to go somewhere lovely to do it.

I put myself there today. At Peet's coffee shop in my neighborhood. I'm working on a vision, a dream, a brainstorm about my next big idea. And as I sat down to visual, to dream, to brainstorm, I was struck with the feeling of wanting to share. I desire the structure to put me back here. Back in my creative mind, back in the distant distractions of a place other than home to get stuff done. Perhaps I will build that in to my day. If only it were dog friendly.....

I also love the people watching. I wonder what people are working on, what they're talking about and reading, why they chose that purple shirt to wear today. And I make up stories about them. She's working on her Master's thesis in anthropology and he's starting his own business. She's lonely and bored and wants to be around people but not talk to anyone. He just got back from a bachelor party in Vegas.

And who am I? I'm just a girl with a vision, a dream. What do my pink toenails say about me? That I'm fun...I hope.

I'm full from lunch and that fullness sends my mind wandering to where else I want to feel full in my life. I think I know but let's see where my brainstorm takes me.

Challenge 177: I'll let you know

I've started and erased three times already. Nothing is really coming out right. I'm distracted with the sound of the TV in the background. The whole family is in the living room. Bucket on my lap, Coach on Vaughn's. We just got done with a marathon TV day, or rather are still in the midst of. I've been feeling a bit under the weather today but I think I'll feel great tomorrow.

I'll let you know how that goes.

Challenge 176: Festive red white and blue

July 4th, 2010

4th of July is one of my favorite holidays. I've always loved getting dressed up in a festive red, white and blue outfit. My favorite, throughout the years, being a pair of white shorts with an american flag on the front. One side of the leg was the stars part, and the other was the stripes. This was 1990 and those shorts were a big deal. I've also always loved daytime get togethers involving sun and food. Bbq's, hangouts. And together, it all makes for a great holiday.

Today was all of that combined, minus the American flag shorts and plus pulled pork sandwiches and my now famous potato salad (which, by the way, I had to call Lily to find out how to cook potatoes!). The sun was shining full blast today and we had people over in our backyard. The BBQ was fired up the whole day and reggae played on the stereo. It's what you'd expect from a bunch of Berkeley kids done grown up.

Things are winding down here, and everyone knows except Coach, who's tearing through the house.
True Blood is on pause on the tele...and I'm going to get back to it.

Challenge 175: Til tomorrow...

There is something so soothing about the sound of my cat eating his food. And not just this cat...but all cats I've ever had. It's a clicky crunching, and the sound of nourishment.

Right now I'm sitting in my office, the pink walls look plum colored with the dim light creeping in from the kitchen. Coach lays at my feet stretched out as long as my rug, keeping it warm. I have not much interesting to say.

And as the sound of Bart and a helicopter whiz outside my window I realize that it's not as quiet here as I thought. There's always noise. Cars from the front, Bart from the back. Puppy snoring at my feet. Clicking of the keyboard. Breathing.

NPR had a story this morning about three deaf people who got the implant to hear, and how annoying that was because they were unable to selective hear. They heard everything. From the fan of their computer to the chomping of lunch from their neighbor at work. In all three cases, they decided they'd rather be deaf.

I'm feeling my eyes get heavy, like a droopy cartoon character's eyelids. I imagine that zzzzzz's will form in a bubble next to my head soon.

So...it's me, signing off til tomorrow.

Challenge 174: Alien appendages

I feel a little weird today and I can't exactly pinpoint what's wrong. Nothing, particularly seems wrong. Perhaps it's that I've had virtually an unscheduled morning. I think I do better with schedules.

I had absolutely horrible dreams last night and woke up pretty upset out of them. It was a recurring theme dream for me. All about doing something horrible and then trying to cover it up. I wake up right before I'm about to be found out. Ugh. Just thinking about it is giving me a stomach ache. I just tried to write about the actual dream, a "Dear Sally" of sorts. Writing to my dream self, but I just can't bring myself to publish it. It's too horrible. Delete. Delete.

I'm numb today. Middle-ground. Not upset, not happy. Just somewhere....there. It's quiet in here and as I look at my fingers type on the keyboard, they look strange. And not like my hands. As if I'm a "me" and my hands are these alien appendages with a life of their own. I should probably go outside. Snap out of this. I wonder what the "this" is.

Challenge 173: Those were the days

Me and Lily were reminiscing about old times tonight. Giggling like kids about all the fun we used to have and trouble we used to get into.

"Those were the days," she says.

And now these are the days. They're just different kinds of days. With not as exciting hair cuts.