Challenge 172: Dear Sally

Dear Sally,

I see you right now. Sitting on your day bed with the tie-dyed comforter on top. All around your room are pictures cut out from Rolling Stone. There's Kurt Cobain and Red Hot Chili Peppers and Blind Melon. Your stubs from all the KROQ concerts are lined up and your Weenie Roast poster is almost falling off it's tack. Your room is messy, cluttered. There is stuff everywhere, but every inch of the clutter has so much personality in it. You are so colorful. And as I look at you, you look gray. Quiet, withdrawn. There's no light in your eyes. You're cross-legged on your bed and you look small. Like a little girl. Averting your eyes. But I just look right at you. And give you silence and give you space and hold you from all the way over on the other side of the room. I don't invade your space or try to talk but you know that you can talk to me if you feel like it. I want to touch your hair. Get closer. But I don't. You wouldn't want that. I'm not waiting for you to do or say anything. I'm not imposing anything into your space. You feel as though I'm not here, but still very much tightly close.

You begin to talk and as you do tears start pouring out of your eyes. I don't move, or so or say anything. I just hear you and see you. And you keep going. I tell you it's ok to feel what you're feeling. And that's it. And I walk over to you and hold you. And that's it. I tell you I will never leave you and that you always have me right here. And that's it. You say you want to feel happiness. KNow what it feels like to not struggle. You want things to not feel so hard. And I hear you and I see you. And that's it.

With Love and far away hugs,
Sally

Challenge 171: Not a scientist...yet

I'm kind of surprised I haven't quit this yet. It's turned into something different than it started and lately I haven't been feeling like I have much I want to share. So the writing, admittedly, has been boring and surface. I do, however, love the habit of writing daily in some kind of capacity. AND, to think that I've done something consistently for 171 days in a row is something to feel good about.

Work has gotten better. I'm really enjoying the kids lately and my boss and I seem to be in a pretty good place.

Mostly, I'm just wondering what my next steps are. It's like I feel big things under the surface, but the vision is unclear. I'm not sure what it'll be, what it'll look like. I just know what it feels like. I was talking to my mentor last week about the unknown. About how so many stresses and worry come from not knowing how things are going to be in the future. Yes. Exactly.
And he was saying how good scientists love the unknown.

I'm pretty sure I'm not a scientist yet, but I would love for my relationship with the unknown to change. I would love it if it excited me to not know. It's baby steps I suppose. I don't know what my day will be likely (entirely) tomorrow, and I'm not freaked out.

Challenge 170: Phone calls and emails and dishes

Early morning. I think I got used to waking up at 6:30 from the weekend, that my eyes popped open easily at 7am this morning. I decided that it's probably a good idea to try to get at least an hour more of sleep, so I stayed in bed and popped in and out of sleep. I love being up in the morning. I can get so much done. By 10am, I had already walked two miles with the puppy, given him a bath, and returned a video.

I have an underlying sense of unease in my stomach. It's probably just that it's Monday. But I'm also anticipating a whirlwind next couple months with travels and weddings and Vaughn's shows and summer. Wondering what's next for me. In both the big picture and small picture. I'm about 6 weeks away from certification and I'm wondering how I'll spend that time. What learning is still here in those six weeks. How do I take advantage of it all.

I'm feeling some things kind of slip behind. Emails, phone calls, dishes. And all I really want to do is veg out on the couch and watch tv.

But I have a client in a few and work after that. And phone calls and emails and dishes.

Challenge 169: Wiped from the weekend

Trying to really sink into this weekend at school. What I learned, who I met, what it meant for me.
Every time I do anything in the coaching world, and especially things that I don't actually feel like doing right at the time, something always serendipitous happens. This time, I met Mai, an instructor who I think I will work with in some important capacity in my life. Then there were Zoe and Shannon, my fellow assistants. If nothing else, we will be friends and I now have two more friends here in the bay area.

I'm pretty wiped from three 7-5 days in a row of coaching, assisting (always checking to make sure the students are getting everything they need, from coffee and water, to making sure they're getting what they need emotional), and learning. I gain more tools for my coaching and I learn more about myself and how to be a better coach and person.

I couldn't be any more grateful for CTI and how it's changed my life. The things that are set in motion by doing this coach training are invaluable.

And I can't wait to see where I go.

Challenge 168: Why Not

I'm sitting here with the puppy. On the couch with the TV on. The remnants of my stomach ache from earlier are still here.

Today is class a bit hard and I'm completely wiped. I've been thinking a lot lately that I just feel so much that there is something big out there for me. When I get dreamy, it feels so solid, and when I think about the how or the what, I feel so deflated.

I see these people in the magazines or on TV and think, "why not me?"

"Why not?"

Challenge 166: All I got for today

School days school days. Oh how I love thee.
I had the earliest morning and the longest day, but I'm just so in love with coaching.

I'm wiped from the day. And I almost didn't go this weekend. This happens to me everytime. I almost don't go, and when I do, something amazing happens or I meet someone I was just supposed to know.

Today, I realized I want to learn to knit, I met one really great girl, and really connected with one of the leaders which I lead will lead to something else really great. I know I'm being vague and not that interesting, but that's all I got for today.

Challenge 165: Gloomy on the inside

I'm not really sure what to write. There's something on my mind that I don't feel like sharing. And it's pretty much all that is on my mind.

But yet, I agreed to chat with you, here, every day.

I'm listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and it's tugging on a heart string, unexpectedly. I'm here, cooking dinner. With the music filling the room, the sound of sizzling on the stove. It's gloomy outside and I'm feeling a bit gloomy inside.

Challenge 164: In my heart of hearts

Close call today. I was already in bed with the lights out when I realized I hadn't written my blog today. The days are just getting so filled up and I book out hour by hour. I really should get back into the habit of writing in the morning (I know...I've said it all before).

I had a meeting with my mentor today. We talked about how it's been scientifically proven, time and time again, that beliefs cause reality. In my case, I believed Oprah's people were going to call, and they did.

Now the trick is to believe that they are going to call again. And again. I told my mom that I didn't want to be too excited about my initial phone call in case they didn't call back. But then, perhaps, I'm putting the belief out there that I don't think they'll call back.

There are some things I know in my heart of hearts, and for now, those will remain there.

Challenge 163: Can't wait til I'm free

I absolutely hate that my boss has the power to make me feel so shitty. I've completely come to the point where I get a stomach ache the second I hear a text message early in the morning. I dread opening my emails, expecting to get one from him telling me I didn't do something right, or being passive aggressive. It just drives me crazy. I feel bullied. And I hate that I've given him the power to make me feel that way.

I just feel bad for the kids. I can see what's happening to them and I don't feel good about it.

The more time that goes by, the more kids I watch and the more I learn about how everything that happens to us when we're growing up contributes heavily to how we are as adults, the more I want to do something to help. I don't exactly know what that looks like yet. I've daydreamed about opening a school or writing books. But I just don't know. All I know is that kids keep with them forever stuff that they feel when they're little. And if you could only prevent some of that hurt, imagine how much better off they could be. Kids can't help how they feel. They can't help what happens to them. It's just sad.

Today I have to write a "it's not ok how you treat me," email to my boss. I think I'll wait until after my client.

Challenge 162: Garlic

Back to life. Home from vacation and it has its good parts and bad parts.

The good: seeing the puppy, sleeping in our own bed, going to the gym
The bad: going back to work, that underlying feeling of anxiety about said work, responsibilities

Overall, I woke up more anxious than the day turned out to be. I didn't have any clients today so I got to sleep in before I went to the gym and take my time while I was there. Leisurely morning. Then work, which was fine but a lot of work today. Tasks keep getting added on to my plate, while the pay stays the same ("it's only a matter of time before I won't need this job," I tell myself). It's fine though. Then Vaughn offered to make me dinner and right now the smell of garlic is wafting through the air and the sound of chopping is being heard.

I feel calm (it might be the glass of wine). The house is warm. Music is playing and no alarming emails are in my inbox. Just good ones. Of family and friends and clients telling me of their wins. We have two episodes of FNL to watch. I say it's going to be a good night.

challenge 161: stay awake

I'm a few minutes off but our plane just landed so I'm gonna count it. Long travel day of a delayed flight. In a shuttle on the way home and tired. Gotta make it home awake. Til tomorrow yall.

Challenge 160: I think not yet

My mind feels heavy with thoughts. None, I think, I will share. I'm feeling censored by readers. I know part of this was trying not to censor, trying to be vulnerable and open. I'm just not there yet, totally.

I think my next blog will be different. Perhaps secret. Perhaps all "Letters to Sally," per suggestion of Dewey. He liked those two the best so far and I don't disagree with him. Those were real moments. Deep and in the moment. True. Tears. Feelings. Naked. I said that it was hard to go there every day. Hard to get to that place unless I'm already there. I still fight against it, have to be in real life and guard against those moments when I see them seeping in. I seriously think I have a whole other life in my head. I know I do. I'm only partially with you, right here, right now. Dare me to tell you my thoughts. I think not yet.

Perhaps I will get to the bottom of all of this by working with my mentor. Or other internal looking, preferably with some help. For now, it all lives in my gut. Moving around, creating pressure. Alone, in solitude, I can really feel it. When I'm just here, with me.

Challenge 159: Back to the 50's

I'm finding it hard not to be really annoyed with my boss. Ugh. But I'm on vacation so it's not taking up too much of my headspace. There...got it off my chest. Now I'm ready to go on with relaxing.

I'm not in the mood at all to write right now. I think I should go back to writing in the morning or afternoon. By night time, I'm just kind of tired.

Long story short, we're having a wonderful time. Saw tons of cars today (1956 Thunderbird convertible, light pink was my favorite), walked around, looked at stuff and lounged by Dewey's car.

I absolutely love being around Vaughn's family and we're having a great time. I'm off to bed here in a few.

Challenge 158: Cars, cars, cars

Travel travel travel, cars, sun, family, cars cars.

That's been my day and it's been lovely. No emails. No phone calls. Just the midwestern heat and a TON of amazing cars.

I took a red eye for the first time last night and I feel like I lost a day. Or gained a day. I can't tell but I'm tired. Feeling happy to be on vacation.

Challenge 157: This stuff goes deep

I feel like this day has already had a million lifetimes. It started early and has been filled so many different things. My alarm buzzed at an early 7am. I made an agreement to myself and my coach that I would go to the gym Monday, Wednesday and Friday from here on out no matter what. Which means when I have a full day, I have to get up early to get to the gym. The catch is that I owe her $50 every time I don't go. Luckily, I'm motivated by not having to pay money.

Gym, clients, call with my mentor (which completely sent me into a deep, dark, scary territory which I'm still feeling), certification class, clients, clients, OPRAH VIDEO!!! Clients. Emails. So much stuff. The ups and downs of today are extreme. And not downs in the bad way. In the emotional way.

The Oprah video is up. Help me get my own show on her network! VOTE VOTE VOTE as many times as you can.

http://myown.oprah.com/audition/index.html?request=add_video&entity_id=208239330

This whole process of doing the video and sending it out to friends and family has been big for me. To me, it signifies vulnerability. I was THIS close to not telling any of you, but decided "what the heck?" Who cares. And it's up and has almost 1,000 votes already and am getting great feedback. I feel great. I feel supported.

This year is about stretching for me. Growing, learning, stretching. I'm exhausted from my internal work with my mentor and if I didn't have to pack for our flight tonight (VACATION!!! MUCH NEEDED) you'd probably be getting another "Dear Sally" post. This stuff goes deep.

Challenge 156: Medium Day

Eek...I didn't write yesterday. Completely on accident. I sat down to watch a movie at 8pm and was planning on writing when it was done but I FELL ASLEEP!!! Ahhhhhhhhhh. But, that still doesn't make me feel better about not writing.

Today is a medium day. Just in the middle. Nothing particularly wrong. Nothing particularly amazing. Just somewhere in the middle. I'd say it is fine. I have a vacation planned this week, starting Thursday, and I think knowing that has put me in a much more stress free mood. My week, up to then, is still jam packed, but I'm not worried about any of it and it all feels under control. Hmmmm...maybe I need to give myself the traditional weekend break, like everyone else. Like a built in vacation every week. I think I need to stop filling in all my weekends with obligations and work. And I want to have more fun.

The puppy is still eating everything in sight. But he's just so damn cute, it's hard to be mad.

Jumping on a coaching call in a minute here, then work. Back to my medium day.

Challenge 155: Merch Girl Extraordinaire

I had a really really good day. I got all my work done early and decided to take the entire rest of the day off for hanging out and fun. Vaughn and I went to the Harmony Festival in Santa Rosa. A big music festival where Diego's was playing. We walked around, people watched, window shopped, and enjoyed the sun. I realized it's been so long since I've done something like that. I think I need to get out more with my honey.

The Diego's show was just so amazing. They turned the crowd around from being lawn lie-ers to a completely jam packed, rowdy, dancing sea of people. It was a sight to see. I'm so happy and proud. And I got to be merch girl, which is so fun because that is where you hear all the people saying such wonderful things about the guys. AND, I get to up-sell a product I love.

All around fun day. We just got back and the puppy didn't tear about the house. I'd say it was a good day. This next week is jam packed with clients and work and then off to Minneapolis to see Vaughn's folks.

Vacation time.

Challenge 154: Coach is enough

June 12, 2010

The puppy is staring me down. Which I find rude since we spent two hours and $200 bucks on that guy last night at the pet emergency room. He was showing signs of bloat, which is a very serious and deadly conditions in great danes. Turns out, he just ate HELL OF grass and sticks and dust bunnies and had a bad stomach ache.

Vaughn and I had a moment last night. Midnight, driving down the freeway rushing to the ER, both in PJ's, then sitting in the waiting room for hours, worried about our little guy. He said, "and this is what a Friday night looks like for 30 year olds." I was sorta thinking that this is what life must look like from the time you have kids until forever. It's just a non-stop doing whatever it takes to keep them healthy and happy and not dying from eating plastic tops of water bottles.

How on Earth does one ever really know they are ready for kids? Another full day with Phoenix has me exhausted. And for parents, it's ALL the time. The only thing I can think of is Coach. Before I had him, I thought dogs were annoying and a pain in the ass. Now, although I agree with both those things, the joy he brings us is so much more than any of those downsides. Perhaps with kids, it's that, times 100.

Who knows. For now, Coach is enough.

Challenge 153: Til tomorrow

June 11, 2010

I had such high hopes for myself today, to finish all the things on my list. But by 7pm, I just felt like I couldn't do anymore work. It's been a long and very full week. Good week.

Vaughn and I made a video of me today. To enter a contest for my own show on Oprah's new network. I almost didn't share this with you all because I'm not sure how it'll come out or if I'll share the actual video with you, but I figured...what the hell.

Today was hot and sunny. The puppy is literally eating everything. Dust bunnies, fake flowers, real flowers, leaves, grass, plastic bottles. Not sure what's up with him but if he didn't have a stomach ache before, he surely does now.

I realize more and more that I'm not a night person. That my energy level is useless after 7 or 8 and my blogs usually have less emotion attached to them when I write later in the day. Sort of an afterthought. So I guess that's where I'm at right now. Probably not too far away from falling asleep.

Til tomorrow...

Challenge 152: Growing up is weird.

Nostalgia is a killer. I look at pictures from the Poets days or the Santa Barbara days and it feels both like a lifetime ago and so close. It's heartbreaking to me. How did I get here? And why do I feel so far away from that person? Is it possible that in looking back I can only see the good and the positive?

I can't help but feel the loss. And I'm jealous of my old self. What a concept. I want it all back. I miss it. I want to be then again. But I don't want to be me now, doing what I did then. I want to be back there all over again. It's silly. And stupid. I felt carefree. Just going where the band wind took me, delighted in my boutique job, experimenting with creativity and hair. At least I think that's how it all went. At least that's the story I tell myself now.

Growing up is weird. 30 feels like a completely different ballgame. And not on a conscious level. It just feels different. I can say that 30 is a whole new wonderful part of life and I wouldn't do my 20's over...but today that's a lie. 25 is looking pretty good right about now.

Challenge 151: Dear Sally,

Dear Sally,

I saw you again today. You showed up 15 years old and having a stomach ache so bad it sent you to the emergency room. It would be the first among many. You had been having taco night at John's house when you went home complaining of a bad stomach ache. You went in to Mom's room and curled in a ball crying with how bad it hurt.

Next thing you knew, you had an appendectomy, but you always knew that wasn't the real problem. Because the stomach aches didn't go away.

Here you are 15 and so scared. And alone and abandoned and angry that Dad would up and leave forever. "Why are you doing this?" "I need you?" "DON'T GO! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!!" "WHAT THE FUCK?!"

I am so sad for you. I see you sad and lonely and feeling like there's nowhere to run. No help is the right kind of help. It breaks my heart to look at you. And you are so far away from here. But I feel you. I will always be with you.

My only message here is that it's ok to feel how you're feeling. You're confused and sad and lost and hurt and all of that is ok. There was no way for you to know how to be. There was no way for you to be good at handling this. And I love you. And I've always loved you and I always will. I want to hold you. And curl up with you and jump back in time. So you don't have to hurt and you don't have to feel so sad and so alone. I cry for you. I let you in. Will you let me?

Love,
Sally

Challenge 150: I could get used to this

Well...I didn't get that office job at the coaching company and I feel relieved. I went back and asked for more money, with the intention that they wouldn't accept it. I didn't want the job. It paid me less than I make now and I'd have to learn a whole new skill set AND work in an office with no windows.

Through this whole thing I've really realized that it's time I start focusing more on making my own coaching business flourish. That I work on making my money doing the thing I love. And for now...the nanny gig will get me by. I've been working on making that situation better in the meantime and so far so good.

I woke up this morning with my new belief that "I do the hard thing and I find it exciting." It has already made my morning lovely. It takes pressure off. It makes things more...well...exciting. I have a couple challenging things coming up this week that I would normally try to figure out a way to get out of. I'm now approaching it as an adventure. I feel like this belief allows me to not make things such a big deal. I got a text from my boss earlier this morning that would normally send me into a shit talking session but instead, I just let it roll off my back. I could get used to this.

So it's June and it's almost officially summer. We have so much planned. I feel like all of my weekends are spoken for until September and I love it. I love having a schedule. I love being busy. I love having to check my calendar when someone asks me to do something. I'm really starting to feel solid in my coaching and in my path. Everything is feeling right.

Challenge 149: Out of the closet

June 7, 2010

I just wrote an email to one of my clients saying that I felt like everything was falling into place for her. I feel like that with me too. I have a sense of calm about my coaching, a knowing that it will work out. That if I keep following what I love and keep learning and growing as a coach, that everything will fall into my lap and fall into place.

Lately I've gotten some really incredible feedback from my clients. Calls on Sunday evenings telling me of their amazing wins and great news. Emails of appreciation. I see and feel movement. Not just with them but with me. We're moving together.

I still wonder and try to figure out how it's all going to play out, what it's all going to look like in the end. And right now I have snippets of images and feelings of what it'll be like but I don't have the whole picture . Part of me wants to see if I can find it and part of me just wants to keep doing what I'm doing and let it all unfold as it does.

I had a good call with a partner of mine from the Belief Closet practitioner training. We were working on an old belief I had that I wanted to get rid of. The old belief was that "when things get hard, I won't do it." I've known that was a belief I've had for awhile and I know that it's had a hold on me. We got to a place where the fifth grade Sally who just turned down the role of Dorothy in Wizard of Oz got to talk to me, and then a future Sally got to talk to me. Both had messages for me, and to my surprise both Sally's wanted me to have a life filled with excitement. I'm not sure if this is making any sense. But the new belief I came out of there with was that "I do the hard thing and I find it exciting." So instead of looking at a challenge as this big, hard thing, I came out of there wanting to look at challenges as exciting things to try.

I took that belief with me to the gym this morning when I couldn't even walk because my muscles were so sore from my training session on Friday. I went from almost letting myself not go, to "ok, this will be fun to see how much I can still do even though my legs hurt." I had one of the best work outs.

I really hope I can hold on to this belief. It's a much better way to approach life. My challenging client this morning turned into an exciting "seeing of how things go." And I hope that pesky old belief doesn't try to sneak back in. If so, I'll just have to go back in the closet.

Challenge 148: The study of love

June 6, 2010

Oh love. One of my favorite topics that rarely gets any face time on my blog. Or rather, relationships. I am so curious about people. I watch interactions and I just imagine what's going between two people, brothers and sisters, wives and husbands, friends.

How do we end up together? What needs to be there in order for it to work? How or why do we stay partners, friends, family?

Lately I've been watching the relationship of someone I know and it doesn't look pretty. Not a good match, not enough of the same common goals or similar enough lifestyle. Almost nothing seems to be on the same page naturally, but yet, both people say they deeply love each other and feel a deep soul connection. It's hard to believe. And not to judge. Because from the outside it looks like rules being placed on one person to the other and demands that things change completely. Now I see both people, not as happy (seemingly to my eyes at least) as they were when they weren't together. It doesn't seem that the union brings out the best in either of them, but to the contrary, it seems that the worst is coming out.

How can they not see it? Why is it that in relationships, none of the same rules apply? That things can be wrong, seem wrong and even feel wrong but yet we stay. I can postulate a million different reasons or try to come up with a formula, but it seems that every single relationship must be taken on a case by case basis. What goes into it, what happens within it, how soon (or not) you get out of it. What's the tipping point? Or breaking point?

I don't know the answers but I just keep wanting to ask. I feel like there is so much to know. To look at. To learn and study. I want to do more of it and forever. I keep waiting til everything falls into place with my interests...coaching, relationships, the study of people, music. Don't know quite yet how it's all going to fit together.

Anyway, off to a street fair in my neighborhood before buckling down for work.

Challenge 147: Too darn early

I love this email my mom sent me about my blog.

"I know what you mean. Once I get connected to myself on a deep level, it is so disorienting to lose that. I also try to make it happen... but I think it's not supposed to happen every day. I think it's like working out: you aren't supposed to use the same muscles every day. They have to have rest days.

:)

(definitely resting)

Love,
Mom"

That's exactly how I'm feeling. Some days it hits me like a truck. And some days I don't feel much of anything. Right now, all I know is that it's too darn early to be up on a Saturday!

Challenge 146: Off to Palo Alto we go...

June 4, 2010

Well, I did it. I stood up for myself with my boss. I told him we needed to talk and I knew he was afraid that I was going to quit. Bottom line was that he needed to know that in order to keep me around there were some things I needed that I wasn't getting. Mostly surrounding pay and hours. So we talked, and he agreed to everything I was asking. So why do I still feel slightly uneasy? Hmmmmmmm.

I've been feeling particularly crazy lately. All out of sorts. Feeling weird for seemingly no real reason.

I'm feeling like I have to write because I have a blog "due" today, but nothing is coming out right. I'm not tapping into any kind of deeper place. If the whole idea now is to be honest and open and vulnerable, how do I get to that place every single day, especially when I'm not really feeling much? Or am I feeling and just not saying? Again...crazy town.

Me and Lily are off to Palo Alto in a few to see Vaughn's band.

Challenge 144: It's warm in here

June 3, 2010

Another day where I don't have much to say. I'm not feeling anything particularly that interesting now. What I started to write wasn't very teary.

My mind just drew a blank and I am looking around my desk. I put a post-it note on my filing folder that says "The right thing shows up." I wonder what that is. And when it's going to show up. I trust that it will. I know that everything I'm going through right now and everything I'm doing will all make sense later.

The puppy is sprawled out the entire length of the rug in my room. I wonder what he's thinking. It's warm in here. That's what I'm thinking.

Challenge 143: For now...nothing.

I'm afraid that waiting til the last minute doesn't suit my free flowing of thinking and writing. I'm just tired at this point. About to go wash my face and plop in bed kind of tired. The kind of tired that feels good that I've been up since 7.

Big day for me. I keep getting pushed and stretched in new directions. Blah blah. No tear by the writer right now.
Maybe tomorrow I'll try writing earlier in the day.

For now...nothing.

Challenge 142: Honesty killed the job?

June 1, 2010

Well, I spent the last 24 hours in an absolute panic that my boss was going to read my blog from yesterday and confront me about it. Does he even know I have a blog? Would he have mentioned it if he did? So far so good.

I'm feeling really exhausted, for not any really great reason, other than all this working on myself is exhausting. I'm loving it, but at the end of the day, I just want to sit on the couch for hours and do nothing. I planned to do some internal work on my saboteur (that voice inside my head that tells me I can't do stuff...the keeper of the status quo) and also work on some of my limiting beliefs, but honestly, it just feels like too much work right now. It's like I'm getting hit left and right with ways to learn and deepen and grow, but it's so constant. Anyway, I'm beating a dead horse. You get it...right?

I want to tell you about my interview yesterday. It can best be summed up by an email I wrote a friend earlier.

"the interview was simultaneously the coolest and most bizarre interview I've ever been to. The job is an office job at his coaching firm. He's a coach, with a coaching company and so the interview was set up much more like a coaching session/matchmaking session than an interview. He asked me all kinds of crazy intuitive questions ("what is it about you that you don't want me to know?" to which I replied, "honestly, I don't know how long I'm going to stick around") and had all these crazy intuitive hits about me ("I feel like you're the kind of person that gets really passionate and excited about something and then lets it fade away"). He also said crazy things like "I'm getting the sense that you really need a baby. I don't know what that's a metaphor for, but something that YOU create that you can nourish and put all your time and energy into and love." It was pretty wild. All his hits were right on. We both got emotional.

I know he likes me but I don't know if I'll get the job. I don't know if I want it or not. He wanted me to take until Wednesday to really think about how long I think I'd stay working there. Overall, a wild experience!"

It was so interesting to go into an interview and be completely honest, like "yeah, really, my goal is to NOT work here, but rather have a coaching company like you and this job is really about me learning how to run one," and "Honestly, I don't know how I'll like an office job," and "i don't know how long I'd stay here." I think he appreciated the honesty. And I have til tomorrow to tell him how long I'd be willing to commit to the job. I don't know what I'm going to say. Thank goodness I'm getting coached three times tomorrow.

I feel like this is a very exciting time for me. I'm growing in such new ways. I'm being pushed and challenged and I have to face it all head on. I just feel like something is brewing, bubbling underneath. All of these steps along the way mean something. The job interview, the nanny gig, the belief closet guy mentoring me. All of it. My coach. Everything. I feel it in my chest and throat. Like a ball of energy bouncing around and filling up space.

Right now...that ball is forcing me out the door to take the puppy out.