May 29, 2010
I had something to say, and I wrote it out and everything, and then really felt like it wasn't the right thing to do. Saying what was on my mind, honestly and fully open, would hurt the feelings of someone I care about and I definitely don't want to do that. Not even for the sake of my learning to be open.
And so now I'm where I was at yesterday. Here with not much to say. Other than Vaughn's still on tour, and this begins the very long, very hard, touring season. But luckily this one was (relatively) short and he'll be home tomorrow.
Today was sunny and gorgeous. Went for a hike in the morning. Played with Phoenix all day. And did some good old fashioned cleaning. Tomorrow...girls day in Santa Cruz.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
Challenge 138: Dentistry for Life
May 28, 2010.
I'm really not into writing this blog right now. I kind of just don't feel like it. Nothing is coming to my mind and I'm trying too hard to write. I even closed my eyes to see what would pop out, and what did was crap. The truth is, I haven't much to say right now. My day was good/fine. Enjoyed the puppy a lot, had a great dinner with an old friend, enjoyed some sun, got work done and am generally feeling pretty good. The dishes got done, the plants got watered, and I even made some necessary (and previously avoided) phone calls.
I'm reeling from a phone call from my dentist yesterday who called to tell me that he's kept my number for over a year and has been meaning to call me to see how my teeth have been doing. We had some problems when I went to see him and I ended having to go back several times to try to handle the problem, which still is a problem. Regardless I wrote him a glowing Yelp review because I really liked him a lot, as a person/as a doctor. So he read my review, and decided that he wanted to offer me free dental for life. He said I might as well get rid of my dental insurance. Shocking. We talked for over 20 minutes. How random. How cool!
So I know that this blog is about challenges, and lately my format has changed. And that has been because the actual writing of the blog, in the way I've been writing, in and of itself has been the challenge.
I'm really not into writing this blog right now. I kind of just don't feel like it. Nothing is coming to my mind and I'm trying too hard to write. I even closed my eyes to see what would pop out, and what did was crap. The truth is, I haven't much to say right now. My day was good/fine. Enjoyed the puppy a lot, had a great dinner with an old friend, enjoyed some sun, got work done and am generally feeling pretty good. The dishes got done, the plants got watered, and I even made some necessary (and previously avoided) phone calls.
I'm reeling from a phone call from my dentist yesterday who called to tell me that he's kept my number for over a year and has been meaning to call me to see how my teeth have been doing. We had some problems when I went to see him and I ended having to go back several times to try to handle the problem, which still is a problem. Regardless I wrote him a glowing Yelp review because I really liked him a lot, as a person/as a doctor. So he read my review, and decided that he wanted to offer me free dental for life. He said I might as well get rid of my dental insurance. Shocking. We talked for over 20 minutes. How random. How cool!
So I know that this blog is about challenges, and lately my format has changed. And that has been because the actual writing of the blog, in the way I've been writing, in and of itself has been the challenge.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Challenge 137: Thank you for playing along
May 27, 2010
Man. I love being a coach. What greater a thing than to be able to be next to someone as they get to live their dreams? What greater thing than to be able to give someone a big push toward the thing they've always been wanting?
I've always wanted my clients to have what they want. But before, I don't think I really knew what that meant, not deep into my bones like I do now. I'm not sure I actually really believed. And the more I'm looking inward, the more I have a knowingness that I want the world for my clients. I want them to have it all. The things they've always wanted. The things they never knew they could have. The things they've struggled with their whole lives. I'm sensitive to them. I'm sensitive with them. I'm becoming more vulnerable and it's making me a better coach.
I woke up this morning in a panic from writing my blog yesterday. Was it weird? Did I say too much? Are people going to be confused? Was it good enough writing? Are people going to ask me about it...god...I hope not. I even thought of taking it down. Or writing about how I wanted to take it down. And as the minutes ticked on, it became less of a big deal. Oh well. What if they do think it's weird? So what? What if I did reveal too much. So what?
So what is the question. And I don't know the answer. What am I so afraid of? I sobbed to a coach about it yesterday, completely unexpectedly. I couldn't even look at him after. I couldn't have him SEE me. And I knew he did. He just looked RIGHT AT ME, into my eyes and into my being. Like he was reading my mind. And I was so uncomfortable I couldn't handle it and broke down. I usually do whatever it takes to avoid that feeling, but he wouldn't let me. And so I let it go.
And now I'm sitting here, at the end of my coaching day, drinking wine, feeling so lucky I get to be there with my clients. SO LUCKY someone's day is changed because of talking with me. So lucky to be doing this. What a gift. My clients are amazing and I just can't wait to see how their lives unfold. How cool is that that this is my job? I want this forever.
I am so grateful to all the steps that have led me here. Every single one. Every single person I meet and every seemingly trivial thing is all a collection of steps that have got me here. You guys are part of my journey, and if you're reading, it probably means that you have been key in my journey in one way or another. And that you're here with me now, as I go through this. Even though I have no idea who you are, I feel like we're in this together. My collective "coaches".
So thank you for playing along. Say hi every now and again.
Man. I love being a coach. What greater a thing than to be able to be next to someone as they get to live their dreams? What greater thing than to be able to give someone a big push toward the thing they've always been wanting?
I've always wanted my clients to have what they want. But before, I don't think I really knew what that meant, not deep into my bones like I do now. I'm not sure I actually really believed. And the more I'm looking inward, the more I have a knowingness that I want the world for my clients. I want them to have it all. The things they've always wanted. The things they never knew they could have. The things they've struggled with their whole lives. I'm sensitive to them. I'm sensitive with them. I'm becoming more vulnerable and it's making me a better coach.
I woke up this morning in a panic from writing my blog yesterday. Was it weird? Did I say too much? Are people going to be confused? Was it good enough writing? Are people going to ask me about it...god...I hope not. I even thought of taking it down. Or writing about how I wanted to take it down. And as the minutes ticked on, it became less of a big deal. Oh well. What if they do think it's weird? So what? What if I did reveal too much. So what?
So what is the question. And I don't know the answer. What am I so afraid of? I sobbed to a coach about it yesterday, completely unexpectedly. I couldn't even look at him after. I couldn't have him SEE me. And I knew he did. He just looked RIGHT AT ME, into my eyes and into my being. Like he was reading my mind. And I was so uncomfortable I couldn't handle it and broke down. I usually do whatever it takes to avoid that feeling, but he wouldn't let me. And so I let it go.
And now I'm sitting here, at the end of my coaching day, drinking wine, feeling so lucky I get to be there with my clients. SO LUCKY someone's day is changed because of talking with me. So lucky to be doing this. What a gift. My clients are amazing and I just can't wait to see how their lives unfold. How cool is that that this is my job? I want this forever.
I am so grateful to all the steps that have led me here. Every single one. Every single person I meet and every seemingly trivial thing is all a collection of steps that have got me here. You guys are part of my journey, and if you're reading, it probably means that you have been key in my journey in one way or another. And that you're here with me now, as I go through this. Even though I have no idea who you are, I feel like we're in this together. My collective "coaches".
So thank you for playing along. Say hi every now and again.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Challenge 136: Dear Sally...
May 26th, 2010
Dear Sally,
I'm writing because I saw you today, for a brief moment. You were standing at the top of the stairs at the beach house wearing a dress of velvet and lace and bows on the sleeves. You were frustrated because the lace was itchy and the bows on your sleeves weren't tied exactly the same. You couldn't stand it. And I knew exactly how you felt. You were at the top of the stairs, all by yourself, blankly staring down to the bottom. You heard the voices coming from the bedroom as though you were underwater...distant and barely understandable. You're in another world, your own world. And you're the only one there. You're waiting for something. To go somewhere.
You were so sad today when I saw you. Your eyes told me that you felt all alone. And that people didn't understand you. You felt bad for feeling the way you did about the bows.
I'm writing this letter because of the look I saw on your face. The look told me that YOU were gone. And in place of YOU, was a wall. A bubble. I wanted to go up to you and throw my arms around you and tell you that everything is ok. That you're ok. That I love you just the way you are and it's ok to be exactly who you are. That no matter how you feel or what you do, that I love you. And that you don't need to protect yourself from anything because I'm here to protect you.
And so I'm telling you now. I love you. I'm here for you. I will never leave you. And you don't need to be afraid anymore. You don't need to protect yourself anymore. Nothing can hurt you ever again.
When you start to feel sad again, feel my arms around you. Know that you're safe. That you can melt into me and I will protect you from anything scary. You don't need that bubble anymore because you have me. And I love you more than you'll ever know.
With all of me,
Sally
Dear Sally,
I'm writing because I saw you today, for a brief moment. You were standing at the top of the stairs at the beach house wearing a dress of velvet and lace and bows on the sleeves. You were frustrated because the lace was itchy and the bows on your sleeves weren't tied exactly the same. You couldn't stand it. And I knew exactly how you felt. You were at the top of the stairs, all by yourself, blankly staring down to the bottom. You heard the voices coming from the bedroom as though you were underwater...distant and barely understandable. You're in another world, your own world. And you're the only one there. You're waiting for something. To go somewhere.
You were so sad today when I saw you. Your eyes told me that you felt all alone. And that people didn't understand you. You felt bad for feeling the way you did about the bows.
I'm writing this letter because of the look I saw on your face. The look told me that YOU were gone. And in place of YOU, was a wall. A bubble. I wanted to go up to you and throw my arms around you and tell you that everything is ok. That you're ok. That I love you just the way you are and it's ok to be exactly who you are. That no matter how you feel or what you do, that I love you. And that you don't need to protect yourself from anything because I'm here to protect you.
And so I'm telling you now. I love you. I'm here for you. I will never leave you. And you don't need to be afraid anymore. You don't need to protect yourself anymore. Nothing can hurt you ever again.
When you start to feel sad again, feel my arms around you. Know that you're safe. That you can melt into me and I will protect you from anything scary. You don't need that bubble anymore because you have me. And I love you more than you'll ever know.
With all of me,
Sally
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Challenge 134: Be completely honest in this blog today
May 25, 2010
Today's challenge is tied into the actual writing of this blog. Being honest and vulnerable. You see, I am aware of you all reading this. I know that what I say will be read, at the very least, by my mom, and at the most, potentially by friends, family, my boss, peers, potential and current clients, and strangers. In in the spirit of honest, I'm admitting that as I write, I tailor everything I say to all the potential readers out there.
"Can't say anything that will get me in trouble with my boss."
"Can't say anything that will worry or alarm my mom."
"Can't say anything that makes me seem like an unconfident coach."
"Can't say anything that will embarrass me."
Everything I write is about portraying what I decide to portray. Not giving away too much information, but rather holding whatever bits and pieces I decide close to my heart.
But this isn't just in this blog that I do this. This is related directly to how I've operated in life for as long as I can remember.
Perhaps a way to protect myself from embarrassment, or getting hurt, or letting people really inside, for fear that they'll leave and I'll be sad. It's a shield. A purposeful, bubble shield, that bounces away any potential dangers.
But I become a shell. A chameleon. Always assessing the situation. Always decided what outfit or conversation or behavior goes along with it. And then behave, talk and dress accordingly. It's not very free. And I've just really started looking at this.
Part of me wants to let it all loose. Just be vulnerable (barely able to say the word). And part of me wants to hold on to it so tight. I know that letting go of it will be the thing that really allows me to soar.
But what if you won't like me? What if I have nothing interesting to say? Who I am if I'm not *insert here whatever you think of me* (a rockstar, a nanny, a friend, a college buddy, a daughter, a sister, a coach, a client, a girl with a great dane, a stranger).
My heart is beating faster after what I just wrote. It's honest. And vulnerable.
I have four minutes until my next call and I really just want to be here and sit with all of this. I don't really feel like being a coach right now.
Today's challenge is tied into the actual writing of this blog. Being honest and vulnerable. You see, I am aware of you all reading this. I know that what I say will be read, at the very least, by my mom, and at the most, potentially by friends, family, my boss, peers, potential and current clients, and strangers. In in the spirit of honest, I'm admitting that as I write, I tailor everything I say to all the potential readers out there.
"Can't say anything that will get me in trouble with my boss."
"Can't say anything that will worry or alarm my mom."
"Can't say anything that makes me seem like an unconfident coach."
"Can't say anything that will embarrass me."
Everything I write is about portraying what I decide to portray. Not giving away too much information, but rather holding whatever bits and pieces I decide close to my heart.
But this isn't just in this blog that I do this. This is related directly to how I've operated in life for as long as I can remember.
Perhaps a way to protect myself from embarrassment, or getting hurt, or letting people really inside, for fear that they'll leave and I'll be sad. It's a shield. A purposeful, bubble shield, that bounces away any potential dangers.
But I become a shell. A chameleon. Always assessing the situation. Always decided what outfit or conversation or behavior goes along with it. And then behave, talk and dress accordingly. It's not very free. And I've just really started looking at this.
Part of me wants to let it all loose. Just be vulnerable (barely able to say the word). And part of me wants to hold on to it so tight. I know that letting go of it will be the thing that really allows me to soar.
But what if you won't like me? What if I have nothing interesting to say? Who I am if I'm not *insert here whatever you think of me* (a rockstar, a nanny, a friend, a college buddy, a daughter, a sister, a coach, a client, a girl with a great dane, a stranger).
My heart is beating faster after what I just wrote. It's honest. And vulnerable.
I have four minutes until my next call and I really just want to be here and sit with all of this. I don't really feel like being a coach right now.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Challenge 133: Clean the kitchen (ugh)
May 24, 2010
Phew...I've had a very full Monday, to start off my very full week. It feels good to be busy. Right now is the first chance I've had to write. I'm sitting here quietly in the living room, listening to cars go by on the street. The animals are both curled up on various places on the couch. Bucket, in his normal right-by-the-window spot, and Coach, on his half of the couch. Today just went on, task by task, call by call, work, dog walk, gym, emails, clients, calls, errands. I got everything done I set out to do, except one thing, which I'm sure will become my challenge in this last hour of my day.
Yesterday, the challenge was to get the belief closet work done. And I did it. I finished all the reading and homework and guided my partner through the whole procedure. At the end, I asked for feedback and he said something very honest and interesting, and it hit me right at the core. I had never gotten such candid feedback. It was kind of hard for me to hear, but I was so grateful that he said it. I made myself kind of sick thinking about it, stomach ache and all, but that just told me that it was something I really should look at. And so I did. Before bed. When I woke up. And during my session with that same client today, when he was guiding me through the process. The best I can come up with is that I'm still learning. I can't jump from novice to expert without a lot of little steps in between. I need to be patient with myself in those steps and take all feedback and all negative feelings as part of the learning. I know how far I've already come in the 9 months since I started coach training, and I can only go up from here. It's just getting through the humps.
Oh!! I also had a really cool thing happen today. I had been really wanting this one thing to happen and really believed it would. Then doubt started to enter my mind, and I kept reminding myself that I could make it happen. This weekend I said to myself "I'm so excited that they call me on Monday," and guess what?! They called me on Monday. It's interesting too that part of the belief I was looking at in my practice with the belief closet today was "I can make happen whatever I want."
This is getting fun.
Challenge 133: Clean the kitchen (ugh)
133 down. 232 to go.
Phew...I've had a very full Monday, to start off my very full week. It feels good to be busy. Right now is the first chance I've had to write. I'm sitting here quietly in the living room, listening to cars go by on the street. The animals are both curled up on various places on the couch. Bucket, in his normal right-by-the-window spot, and Coach, on his half of the couch. Today just went on, task by task, call by call, work, dog walk, gym, emails, clients, calls, errands. I got everything done I set out to do, except one thing, which I'm sure will become my challenge in this last hour of my day.
Yesterday, the challenge was to get the belief closet work done. And I did it. I finished all the reading and homework and guided my partner through the whole procedure. At the end, I asked for feedback and he said something very honest and interesting, and it hit me right at the core. I had never gotten such candid feedback. It was kind of hard for me to hear, but I was so grateful that he said it. I made myself kind of sick thinking about it, stomach ache and all, but that just told me that it was something I really should look at. And so I did. Before bed. When I woke up. And during my session with that same client today, when he was guiding me through the process. The best I can come up with is that I'm still learning. I can't jump from novice to expert without a lot of little steps in between. I need to be patient with myself in those steps and take all feedback and all negative feelings as part of the learning. I know how far I've already come in the 9 months since I started coach training, and I can only go up from here. It's just getting through the humps.
Oh!! I also had a really cool thing happen today. I had been really wanting this one thing to happen and really believed it would. Then doubt started to enter my mind, and I kept reminding myself that I could make it happen. This weekend I said to myself "I'm so excited that they call me on Monday," and guess what?! They called me on Monday. It's interesting too that part of the belief I was looking at in my practice with the belief closet today was "I can make happen whatever I want."
This is getting fun.
Challenge 133: Clean the kitchen (ugh)
133 down. 232 to go.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Challenge 132: Belief closet work
May 23, 2010
I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Actually, I might have gone to bed on the wrong side too. I had a restless nights sleep, tossing and turning, ending up completely diagonaling across the bed with the blankets tossed around. My 7:30 wake up time experiment isn't really working. Both yesterday and today the alarm didn't go off, and when I woke up around 8 ish, I felt so groggy I went back to sleep. Ugh! I'm annoyed that I haven't been getting good sleep lately. I'm eating really healthy, exercising, and going to sleep at a good hour, so I should be feeling great. I'm just going to keep trying to regulate my schedule and see if that helps.
Yesterday the challenge was to finish my reading and I didn't do it. By the time I dropped Phoenix off and ate dinner, I was tired and couldn't really focus. I'm much better about doing "homework" in the morning or during the day. I learned that in college. So I'm putting that challenge back on the list for today, especially since I need to have an exercise done, reading completed, AND do three hours of practitioner training with my partner by Tuesday.
Today is another sunny day. I'm going to grab Phoenix around one and I think we'll go somewhere outside to play. She is just so darn cute. But before that, I want to finish my reading, do the exercise, and try to contact my partner again to set up a practice session.
Challenge: Belief closet work
132 down. 233 to go.
I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Actually, I might have gone to bed on the wrong side too. I had a restless nights sleep, tossing and turning, ending up completely diagonaling across the bed with the blankets tossed around. My 7:30 wake up time experiment isn't really working. Both yesterday and today the alarm didn't go off, and when I woke up around 8 ish, I felt so groggy I went back to sleep. Ugh! I'm annoyed that I haven't been getting good sleep lately. I'm eating really healthy, exercising, and going to sleep at a good hour, so I should be feeling great. I'm just going to keep trying to regulate my schedule and see if that helps.
Yesterday the challenge was to finish my reading and I didn't do it. By the time I dropped Phoenix off and ate dinner, I was tired and couldn't really focus. I'm much better about doing "homework" in the morning or during the day. I learned that in college. So I'm putting that challenge back on the list for today, especially since I need to have an exercise done, reading completed, AND do three hours of practitioner training with my partner by Tuesday.
Today is another sunny day. I'm going to grab Phoenix around one and I think we'll go somewhere outside to play. She is just so darn cute. But before that, I want to finish my reading, do the exercise, and try to contact my partner again to set up a practice session.
Challenge: Belief closet work
132 down. 233 to go.
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